“Bacteria: They’re the only culture some people have.”
“According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10.”
Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, “What kind of boy did your daughter marry?”
“Oh, he’s wonderful,” gushed the mother. “He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlour regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night.”
“That’s sounds lovely,” said the woman. “What about your son?”
“I’m not so happy about that,” the mother sighed. “His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlour, and makes them eat take-out meals!”
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
“In English,” he explained, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”
“However,” the professor continued, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up. “Yeah, right.”
The kids in the neighborhood held an election. The grownups were astonished that a four-year-old had been elected president.
“That boy must be a born leader,” one dad observed. “How does it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?”
“Well, you see, Dad,” one lad replied, “he cannot very well be secretary because he does not know how to write. He would not do for treasurer because he is not able to count. He would never do for sergeant-at-arms because he is too little to throw anybody out. If we did not choose him for anything, he would feel bad. So we made him president.”
“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common – they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.”
I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck’s bed. They’ll pay in food, which is exactly what I like best!
For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of Middle Eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!
That’s right: A pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about believing in Jesus and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“Heaven!” they all piped up.
“And what do you have to be to get there?”
“Dead!”, one boy yelled.
Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it’s done.
One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, “Strip down facing me.”
“I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.”