Humor #124

Helping his wife wash the dishes, a minister protested, This isn’t a man’s job.

Oh yes, it is, his wife retorted, quoting 2 Kings 21:13:

I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down.

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On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great- grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”

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A teacher said to her student, “William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?”

After a few moments, William answered, “It depends.”

“It depends on what?” she asked.

“It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”

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A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

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Our choir had grown so large that folding chairs had been placed up to and around the pulpit. This seriously restricted our pastor, who likes to move about when preaching. One Sunday, in fact, our pastor had flung out a hand to emphasize a point—and hit a lady choir member full in the face!

The following Sunday, the pastor had just started his sermon when the congregation broke into laughter. He stood there, confused, until someone pointed to the choir behind him. He turned around, and there sat the lady he had struck the week before, calmly wearing a catcher’s mask.

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A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, “Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?”

The father answered immediately, “I just don’t know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet.”

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On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

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A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’

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In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, “The Lord be with you.” The congregation used to respond by saying, “And with thy spirit.”

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, “The Lord be with you,” and everyone responds with, “And also with you.”

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, “There’s something wrong with this!”

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, “And also with you.”

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