Humor #127

“Procrastination gives you something to look forward to.”

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Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’

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A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

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Gary works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, “Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us.”

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, “Honey, it’s for you….someone wants to talk to you about your relatives.”

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“Life has become so complex that not even teenagers have all the answers anymore.”

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Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. “No, no, no!” she screamed. “Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “That’s not polite behavior.” With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

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On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s OK if you don’t know the answer.”

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As I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I think to myself, “This place obviously wasn’t named by a real-estate developer.”

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An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.

He asked a nearby trainer, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”

The trainer looked him up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.”

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Our choir had grown so large that folding chairs had been placed up to and around the pulpit. This seriously restricted our pastor, who likes to move about when preaching. One Sunday, in fact, our pastor had flung out a hand to emphasize a point—and hit a lady choir member full in the face!

The following Sunday, the pastor had just started his sermon when the congregation broke into laughter. He stood there, confused, until someone pointed to the choir behind him. He turned around, and there sat the lady he had struck the week before, calmly wearing a catcher’s mask.

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A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked
his father, “Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I
please?”

The father answered immediately, “I just don’t know, son. No
male has ever lived that long yet.”

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On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

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A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

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