Humor #136

HOLY HUMOR

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

—–

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence: “I think I’d throw up.”

—–

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he with just two worms”.

—–

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know”.

—–

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher’s 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

“Well, honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”

“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.

—–

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious 6-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”

The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

—–

ALL MEN/ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.”

“This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”

Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All men’!”

—–

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny! Please wait until we say grace.” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook”.

Humor #135

Ways to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”

4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

7. Determine how many cups of coffee are “too many.”

8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”

10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep ’em tuned up.”

12. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think?”

13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.

14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles”.

Humor #134

 You Might Be a Technician if…

– you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.

– you think of the gadgets in your office as “friends.”

– you think your computer looks better without the cover.

– you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as is.”

– you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

– you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

– the salespeople at Best Buy can’t answer any of your questions.

– the microphone at a meeting doesn’t work and you rush up to fix it.

– you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

– you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, and you actually know where they are.

– you just don’t have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

– you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

 

Humor #133

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want…*

10.  To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any “floaties” (ie, backwash)

9.  To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that “Why is this person my mother?” way.

8.  Five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty.

7.  A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a “Hi Ya Mom!”  just as I put a razor to my ankle.

6.  A full time cleaning person – period!

5.  For my teenager to announce “Hey, Mom!  I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!”

4.  A grocery store that doesn’t have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3.  To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.

2.  To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, “Oh no!  Why me…!”

And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want is…..

Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

Humor #132

*Things I’ve Learned From My Children*

01.  A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.  foot house 4 inches deep.

02.  If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

03.  A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

04.  If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.  It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

05.  You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.  When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

06.  The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

07.  When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.

08.  Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

09.  A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.  Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11.  Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12.  Super glue is forever.

13.  No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14.  Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.  VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.  Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.  Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.  You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19.  Always look in the oven before you turn it on.  Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.  The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.  The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.  It will however make cats dizzy.

23.  Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.  The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.

 

Humor #131

Work Quotes

“The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” (Robert Frost)
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” (Dennis Miller)

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” (Edgar Bergen)

“Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” (Leslie Nielsen)

“The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.” (Slappy White)

“I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y.'” (Robert Paul)

“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” (Muhammad Ali)

“A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.” (Dennis Miller)

Humor #130

Have you heard about the next planned “Survivor” show?*

* 6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks

* Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

* There is no access to fast food.

* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.  There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

* The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

* The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.

* If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years – eventually earning the right to be called “Mother”.