Humor #140

Letters to the Editor

Here is a selection of letters sent in to the Washington Post by the clueless, usually in response to a headline.

To the editor:
Does The Post so hate America that you wish to deliver our national secrets into the hands of our enemies? I refer of course to The Post’s publication of page after page of “Classified” information, blatantly labeled as such in type so large that even the most dimwitted spy can hardly fail to miss it!

20,000 POUND PAVEMENTS TO HELP HOMELESS
To the Editor:
Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not 10 tons of additional pavement! This donation is cruel, like giving 20,000 Zippos to a burn ward. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

HAND-DELIVERED. URGENT!
To the editor:
Do not let them bury those people whose pictures you showed in Sunday’s obituaries! Most of them look like they are still alive!

MOMENTUM IS BUILDING IN DOWNTOWN REVIVAL
I continue to be appalled by your poor understanding and incorrect usage of even the simplest physics terms. Momentum is the property of mass multiplied by velocity. As buildings remain at rest, they have no momentum. The term you are looking for is “inertia.”

UNPRODUCTIVE MIDS TRAMPLED AT HOME
Our nation’s military academies are and should remain highly competitive. But it is horrifying that parents are resorting to corporal punishment when a student has fallen behind in his studies. I am especially dismayed to learn the Southern Methodists had a hand in this savagery.

CATHOLIC FUMBLES, STUMBLES IN PLAYOFFS
Catholic fumbles? I cannot believe your sportswriters are allowed to single out for criticism persons of certain faiths. Everyone errs occasionally, not just Catholics. I guess Mr. Greenberger feels Jews never drop the ball, but I’m here to tell you I found one who did, in this awful article.

PALESTINIANS SAY ISRAELIS VIOLATED ACCORD
So now they’re blaming the Jews for every car that’s broken into?

MARYLAND AGREES TO TOBACCO SETTLEMENT
Well, that’s just great. Just what we need — an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk driving commune?

BISHOP LIFTS KANSAS STATE OVER MISSOURI
A Roman Catholic miracle, and The Post buries it in Sports? This is typical of your godlessness. I’m sure if it was some Vatican scandal, we would see it on Page 1 above the fold.

BISHOP LEADS WILDCATS PAST MISSOURI
I find it commendable that the clergy are attempting, like Saint Patrick in Ireland, to rid the land of dangerous animals. However, your story irresponsibly fails to tell us where the good bishop is taking these creatures. Is he bringing them to the D.C. area? Show a little civic responsibility, please, and inform the public.

PAKISTAN HOLDS MEMBERS OF ETHNIC MOVEMENT
What is the world coming to when Pakistani officials can get away with humiliating its enemies by holding their members?

C.C UNITED SE UNE HOY A CAMPANA SOLIDARIA PRO CENTROAMERICA
I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for the article on D.C. United. There were so many typos I couldn’t understand a word.

To the editor:
You Washingtonians are so self-absorbed! Take Sunday’s weather report. You go on and on about weather in the Washington area. You can bet that here in Muscateen, we don’t spend all our time talking about Washington’s weather.

REPUBLICAN LEADERSHIP VACUUM MIGHT OPEN DOORS FOR GOVERNORS
When will these Poindexters in Washington understand that the American public won’t put up with their gross misspending of U.S. tax dollars — $600 hammers, $2,000 toilet seats, and now vacuum cleaners to open doors for Governors? Please.

I am eager to contact Mr. Scott Black, the “rumpled money manager,” as I am eager to have him sort and straighten out my wrinkled currency.

 

 

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