Humor #152

Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand

 

1. Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

 

2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

 

4. What is the difference between electrical engineers and civil engineers?

Electrical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

 

5. The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

 

6. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

 

7. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six.”

A short time later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy six cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had eggs.”

Humor #151

Teachers About To Retire

You know you’re a teacher about to retire when…

1. Fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, “Oh, stop smiling!”

2. You get up to the checkout counter at Barnes & Noble and you realize you’re buying books you won’t need next year.

3. Your file cabinets are getting lighter, and your circular file is getting heavier.

4. You find yourself saying, “Yes!” whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year.

5. The custodian has complained to the principal that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building – including the cafeteria.

6. The teachers in the grade below you complain about how horrible their kids are and you just smile.

7. The principal comes in for the final observation of the year and you throw a party for your class with lots of snacks, games and a visit from Frankie the clown.

8. You constantly find other teachers in your room measuring bookcases.

9. When the parent, who has complained about every teacher her kid has ever had, comes up to you and says, “My son is hoping to get you next year,” you just smile!

10. You reflect on all the wonderful moments you had influencing the lives of young people and helping them learn… and praying they’ll have caring teachers like you next year. Smile! Those unruly, wonderful young people will be voting soon!

 

Humor #150

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:

1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you just shut UP!”

3. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral

7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, motion sickness!”

8. Meow occasionally.

9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.

10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

 

Humor #149

A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

 

Humor #148

Computer Acronyms (I admit these are a bit outdated)
For those computer literate souls out there:

computer-keyboard

ISDN – It Still Does Nothing

APPLE – Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI – System Can’t See It

DOS – Defective Operating System

BASIC – Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM – I Blame Microsoft

CD-ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW – World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH – Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM – Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL – Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

WINDOWS – Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO – Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT – Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

 

Humor #147

Crazy Thoughts

~ How do you throw away a garbage can?

~ Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A.?

~ Why do old men have hair in their ears?

~ Why are buttons on guys’ shirts on a different side than girls’ shirts?

~ Why are things typed up but written down?

~ Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

~ If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

~ If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

~ What does OK actually mean?

~ What does the K in K-mart actually stand for?

~ Why do we feel blue? And what color does a Smurf feel when he is down?

~ Why do donuts have holes?

~ Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on a calculator go the other?

~ Why don’t you hear thunder with heat lightning?

~ If you’re born at exactly midnight, is your birthday on both those days?

~ If you’re caught “between a rock and a hard place,” is the rock not hard?

~ If one man says, “It was an uphill battle,” and another says, “It went downhill from there,” how could they both be having troubles?

~ Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?

~ Why do we say “bye bye” but not “hi hi”?

~ How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

~ Why is the abbreviation for pound “lb.” when the letters L or B aren’t even in the word pound?

 

Humor #146

The Good, Clean Funnies List

Q: How many members of the President’s administration are needed to change a light bulb?

A: Nine

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,

3. One to blame the previous President for burning out the light bulb,

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness,

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to a government contractor for the new light bulb,

6. One to arrange a photograph of the current President, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished,

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how the current President was literally in the dark,

8. One to viciously smear #7,

9. And one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how the current President has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.