Humor #160

USEFUL WORK PHRASES

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1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptionsI had about you.

11. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

17. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

18. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .

19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24.  I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

25.Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

 

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Humor #159

A senior trying to set a password

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WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourBehindIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourBehindIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Humor #158

One day God was looking down at earth and
saw all of the rascally retirees’ behavior that was going on…

So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God,’Yes, it is bad on earth;
95% of retirees are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send
down a second angel to get another opinion.’

So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, she went to God and said, ‘Yes, it’s true.
The earth is in decline; 95% of retirees are misbehaving, but 5% are
being good…’

God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted
to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them
keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.

Humor #157

Family Problems

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said, “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

“Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

“This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife. I’m my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I’m my own grandfather!

“And you think you have family problems!”

Humor #156

It was Mickey’s first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Mickey heard a voice call out “44” and the whole cell block erupted into laughter!

Another voice called “16” and again there was laughter.

A third voice called “62” which was followed by laughter throughout the block.

Mickey didn’t know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.

“Yeah, whaddaya want?” came the gruff reply from next door.

“What’s going on, here?” asked Mickey.

“Well,” said the other inmate, “down in the prison library there’s only one joke book. We’ve all read the book so many times that we don’t waste time telling the joke, we just call out it’s number.”

So the next day Mickey went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover.

That night, wanting to be part of the group, Mickey confidently called out “44” and everyone laughed! He tried calling “16” and “62” and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.

After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes – still laughing.

Mickey rapped on the cell wall.

“Yeah, waddaya want?” asked the other inmate.

“I don’t understand it,” asked Mickey, “Why is Tommy STILL laughing?”

“Well,” said the gruff inmate, “He’d never heard that one before!”

 

Humor #155

Construction Site Murder

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once, but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claimed that he didn’t do anything, but he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation, and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once, but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Humor #154

*How to speak English Properly*

  1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
  2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
  4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat)
  6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
  7. Be more or less specific.
  8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
  9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
  10. No sentence fragments.
  11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
  12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
  14. One should NEVER generalize.
  15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
  16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
  20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
  21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
  22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
  23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
  24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
  25. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
  26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
  27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.And the last one…
  31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.