Humor #168

BLESSED ARE… (#5)

** Blessed are those who swallow bitter words so they won’t have to eat them later.

** Blessed are the prophets, for the blind shall see through their eyes.

** Blessed are those who are open to commitment, for they shall be fulfilled.

** Blessed are those who are soft hearted, for they shall be comfortable!

** Blessed are they that go in circles, for they shall be called wheels.

** Blessed are those who are short, for they shall stand on ladders!

** Blessed are the brief, for they shall have lower phone bills.

** Blessed are those who sing in the choir, for they shall be noted.

** Blessed are those who do things anonymously, for they shall be found out.

** Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

** Blessed are those who build ladders, for they shall give others a step up.

** Blessed are the leaders who have not sought the high place, but who have been drafted into service because of their ability and willingness to serve.

** Blessed are people who know where they are going, for they shall not make U-turns.

** Blessed are the dictators, for they shall keep stenographers employed.

** Blessed are those who spend time listening to an elder’s tales of long ago, for they shall inherit pearls of wisdom.

** Blessed are those who lead by example, for they shall be mocked.

** Blessed are the leaders who travel on interstate highways, for they shall follow road signs.

** Blessed are those who have their heads in the clouds, for they shall be able to predict the weather.

** Blessed are those who ride bicycles, for they shall have balance.

** Blessed is the chicken that crossed the road, for she shall be poultry in motion.

** Blessed are those who sing, for they shall find the key.

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Humor #167

BLESSED ARE… (#4)

** Blessed are bald men, for they shall not have toupee for hair cuts.

** Blessed are those who are magnets, for they shall find each other attractive.

** Blessed are those who have allergies, for they shall be scratched.

** Blessed are the dermatologists, for they shall not be rash.

** Blessed are the neurologists, for they shall have a lot of nerve.

** Blessed are the obstetricians, for their labors shall not be in vain.

** Blessed are the ophthalmologists, for they shall not be shortsighted.

** Blessed are the pediatricians, for they shall have many children.

** Blessed are the psychiatrists, for they shall be couched.

** Blessed are the plastic surgeons, for they shall put a whole new face on things.

** Blessed are the podiatrists, for they shalt have a leg to stand on.

** Blessed are the cardiologists, for they shall have a lot of heart.

** Blessed are the optometrists, for they shall see you coming.

** Blessed are the taxidermists, for they shall know their stuff.

** Blessed are those who work in muffler shops, for they shall hear you coming.

** Blessed are those who work in bowling alleys, for they shall hear a pin drop.

** Blessed are those who make pizzas, for they shall have lots of dough.

** Blessed are the hard of hearing, for they shall miss all the small talk.

** Blessed are those who cook, for they shall be at home on the range.

** Blessed are those who fail, for they shall be a good example for others not to follow.

** Blessed are those who are a little cracked, for the Redeeming Light pours through them.

Humor #166

BLESSED ARE… (#3)

** Blessed are they who make it through April, for they shalt be in dismay.

** Blessed is he who plows in a straight furrow, for he shall be in a rut.

** Blessed are they who give hugs; for they are truly appreciated (more than they’ll ever know).

** Blessed are they who have cellular phones, for they shalt receive the call wherever they are.

** Blessed are those who turn off their cellular phones, for they shall have peace.

** Blessed are those who refrain from alcohol, for they shall remain sober.

** Blessed are those who laugh often, for they shalt have strong funnybones.

** Blessed are those who speak as lawyers, for they shalt be brief.

** Blessed are those who meet their mate on the internet, for it shall be love at first site.

** Blessed are the piemakers, for they shall generate fellowship. They are also the “Upper Crust.” They Have a Lot of Crust!

** Blessed are those who attend church regularly, for they shall be pewed.

** Blessed art those who pray in King James English, for they shall surely speaketh in clarity.

** Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall always have a job.

** Blessed are those who resist temptation at the smorgasbord, for they shall be buffeted.

** Blessed are those who listen intently during sermons, for their understanding is great.

** Blessed are those who can give without remembering, for they shall not be forgotten.

** Blessed are those who donate organs, for they are giving the gift of life.

** Blessed are those who receive donated organs, for they have restored health.

** Blessed are those who shop, for they shall be spent.

** Blessed are those who drill, for they shall not be bored.

Humor #165

BLESSED ARE… (#2)

** Blessed are the drama students, for they shalt be a class act.

** Blessed are the bridesmaids, for they shalt be wedding belles.

** Blessed are the landscapers, for they shalt be bushed.

** Blessed are the gymnasts, for they shalt always do good turns.

** Blessed are they who do the ironing, for they shalt not be depressed.

** Blessed are the orchard growers, for their work shall not be fruitless.

** Blessed are they who avoid their in-laws, for they shalt not be relatively annoyed.

** Blessed are the candy-makers, for they shalt make a mint.

** Blessed are they who process lettuce, for they shalt see the tip of the iceberg.

** Blessed are they who own horses, for they shalt have stability.

** Blessed are they who play tennis, for love means nothing to them.

** Blessed are they that wrap leftovers, for they shalt be foiled again.

** Blessed are the fishermen, for they shalt have net income.

** Blessed are the musicians, for they shalt be noteworthy.

** Blessed are those who are tailors, for they shalt be suited for it.

** Blessed are those who drink orange juice, for they shalt be able to concentrate.

** Blessed is he who attends church at more than one denomination, for he shalt be bi-sectual.

** Blessed is he who stops smoking, for he shalt be a quitter.

** Blessed is he who has a word processor, for his words shalt be minced.

** Blessed are those who watch the stars, for their work shalt be astronomical.

** Blessed are those who make perfect bread, for they shalt be a good roll model.

 

Humor #164

Blessed are… (#1)

** Blessed are the Internet junkies, for their time shalt be a net loss.

** Blessed are those who build bridges, for they shalt get over it.

** Blessed are those who recycle motor oil, for they shall be refined.

** Blessed is the TV weatherman, for he shalt talk up a storm.

** Blessed are the undertakers, for they shalt be the last to let you down.

** Blessed are they who knit their own hosiery, for they shalt not get a run for their money.

** Blessed are the auctioneers, for they shall look forbidding.

** Blessed are the breadmakers, for they shalt rise to the occasion.

** Blessed are the nuns, for they shall have no bad habits.

** Blessed are those who stop horseback riding, for they shalt be full of woe.

** Blessed are the thrifty deer hunters, for they shalt get more bang for their buck.

** Blessed are the ministers who make mistakes, for it shall only be a clerical error.

** Blessed are the unionized church workers, for they shalt bargain in good faith.

** Blessed are the watchmakers, for they shalt work overtime.

** Blessed are the religious nuclear engineers, for they shalt have critical mass.

** Blessed are students in Christian schools, for they shalt have good Principals.

** Blessed are the poor losers, for they shalt continue to diet.

** Blessed are those who are multi-lingual, for they shalt be misunderstood in many languages.

** Blessed are those who are in medical school, for they shall become ill-literate.

** Blessed are the unemployed jesters, for they shalt be nobody’s fool.

Humor #163

Oxymorons

Ancient Greek : Oxus = “sharp”
Moros = “dull”

“Oxymoron” = a sharp dullness or a foolish wise.

… a self-contradicting phrase.

_____

He lived his life to the end.

You always find something in the last place you look.

The saddest moment in a person’s life comes but once.

Ah well, they say it’s not as bad as they say it is.

Black Light

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Left Handed Screwdrivers.

Striped paint.

Pigeon’s milk.

Straight hooks.

Cooking glue.

It was as bad as being up a creek in a barbed wire canoe.

… about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

I want my bedroom painted sky-blue pink.

The dumplings in a dream are not dumplings, only dreams.

compulsory volunteers

college student

jumbo shrimp

That shoe fits him like a glove.

A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. “Just lost a shoe?” she asked. He answered, “Nope, just found one.”

Classified ad: For Sale: Man’s suit, perfect fit.

I wouldn’t be paranoid if everyone didn’t pick on me.

Plastic lemons, rubber bones, bricked-up windows, artificial grass, plastic flowers, invisible ink.

 

Humor #162

Mom’s Survival Tips

To my kids who have left home and are on their own, I pass on a list of life lessons:

1. Don’t sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.

2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you’re taking a shower.

3. When someone tells you that what he’s about to say is “for your own good,” expect the worst.

4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to be idiotic.

5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.

6. When a politician says, “Let me make something perfectly clear,” remember that he usually won’t.

7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.

8. If someone says, “I know what I mean, but I just can’t put it into words,” he doesn’t know what he means.

9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.

10. Don’t waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can’t pat yourself on the back, and it’s unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.

– Charlotte Johnstone in Family Circle