Humor #176

How Asparagus Got its Name

 

A sixth grader tells How Asparagus got its Name. This is a cute story.

The young child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote;

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, “Give me a light!” and someone did.  Then God made the world.  He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were

naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden … Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.  Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.  Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.  After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door! Were you born in a barn?” It would be nice to say, ”As a matter of fact, I was.”)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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humor #175

A Mother’s Quotes

 

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man.  Midnight is past your curfew!”

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: “Humpty, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall.  But would you listen to me?  Noooo!”

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher.  You still could have written!”

BABE RUTH’S MOTHER: “Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house!  That’s the third broken window this week!”

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, Napoleon.  If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”

CUSTER’S MOTHER: “Now, George, remember what I told you-don’t go biting off more than you can chew!”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe?  Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

BARNEY’S MOTHER: “I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you’re starting to look a little purple.”

MARY’S MOTHER: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”

BATMAN’S MOTHER: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”

GOLDILOCKS’ MOTHER: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family.  You know anything about this, Goldie?”

LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture.  Can’t you do something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something…?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”

SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line.  Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?”

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas.  Now turn off that light and get to bed!”

Humor #174

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture”, and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
2. On landing the stewardess said, “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane.”
3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
5. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

Humor #173

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS

We will no longer accept your doctors’ statements as proof.

We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY

We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY

In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour’s leave without pay.

DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.

This new benefit program started yesterday.

The Management

Humor #172

Car Insurance Excuses

– The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

– The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

– I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

– Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

– The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

– As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeard in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

– The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

– An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

– I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

– To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

– A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

– The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

– I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

 

God’s Faithfulness Towards Us

Had some thoughts to share with you on God’s faithfulness in our times of testing and temptations. 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. Jesus became human to experience what we are and go through so that, because He did not sin, He is able to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 2:18 NKJV — For in that Jesus Himself has suffered, being tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted. AMPLIFIED — For because Jesus Himself [in His humanity] has suffered in being tempted (tested and tried), He is able [immediately] to run to the cry of (assist, relieve) those who are being tempted and tested and tried [and who therefore are being exposed to suffering]. Hebrews 4:15-16 NKJV — For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. AMPLIFIED — For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning. Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God’s unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find grace to help in good time for every need [appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it]. Jude 1:24-25 Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, And to present you faultless Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, To God our Savior, Who alone is wise, Be glory and majesty, Dominion and power, Both now and forever. Amen. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits!

Humor #171

PRAYER IN SCHOOL

Being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: “Let me see if I’ve got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I’m supposed to instil a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self-esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don’t come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet, you expect me….. NOT TO PRAY?”

 

Humor #170

Cars vs. Computers

General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers — but imagine if they did…

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine. How can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”

HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”

CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”

HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”

CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

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HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine. How can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”

HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”

CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know!?”

HELPLINE: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”

CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”

HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.”

CUSTOMER: “What!? I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

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HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine. How can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “Your cars stink!”

HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”

CUSTOMER: “It crashed — that’s what went wrong!”

HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”

CUSTOMER: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t start!”

HELPLINE: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?”

CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me your latest version that doesn’t crash anymore!”

Humor #169

THE QUESTIONS ASKED AT NATIONAL PARKS

 

*Everglades National Park:*

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o’clock bus leave?

 

*Mesa Verde National Park:*

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

What did they worship in the kivas–their own made-up religion?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

 

*Carlsbad Caverns National Park:*

How much of the cave is underground?

So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?

Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this–just a hole in the ground?

 

*Yosemite National Park:*

Where are the cages for the animals?

What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?

What happened to the other half of Half Dome?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

 

*Denali National Park:*

What time do you feed the bears?

What’s so wonderful about Wonder Lake?

Can you show me where yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

 

*Yellowstone National Park:*

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?