Humor #183

Police Comments

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1…

#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

# 14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. ”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

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Humor #182

Punny Tweets

List of puns posted by Twitter User @Merentia (from Cape Town) with hashtag #HaveAGoodPunnyThursday

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn’t have much of a plot.

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor.

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I thought she had PMS, but she was just ovary acting.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

Humor #181

A Trip to Wal-Mart

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house — mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty and are covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: jeans with the hole in the knee, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age, you might do the following.

In your 20s:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know — you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean jeans and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the paint stain on the pocket of your jeans. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty, so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart.

Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50s:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy’s bait shop and it says, “I Got Worms.”

In your 60s:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poop off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don’t have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70s:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don’t even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80s:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

Humor #180

 

News Flash:

 

The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the Texas coast today.

 

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to the US, but towards Mexico and central America.

 

Another surprise finding was the people were white American retirement age seniors.  Their claim was that they were trying to get to Central America or Southern Mexico as they wanted to return to the US as illegal immigrants.  Then they would be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate American retirees.

 

It is believed the Navy gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.

 

We are booking on the next boat out.  Let me know if you want to join us.

  

 

Humor #179

A Dictionary of Project Terms

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties– We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Technological Breakthrough–Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research–It was discovered by accident.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured–We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period–We haven’t started this job yet, but we’ve got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying–It works, and are we surprised.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem–We just hired three new guys; we’ll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive–The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned–The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties–We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Humor #178

Costco Doctor

 

One day, in line at the Parliamentary cafeteria, Joe Hockey says to Malcolm Turnbull behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mal replies. “There’s a new diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs 5 dollars – A lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits 5 dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample…. He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe Hockey began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits 5 dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours… Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Costco!

Humor #177

Medical Records

An expert witness in the healthcare profession has come across the following quotes from actual medical records dictated by physicians. For you MDs, excuse me!

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

*The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

*The patient refused an autopsy.