Humor #191

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

~ I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I’m startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

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Humor #190

PUN–ishment

Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.

Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Humor #189

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books?”

“Well,” said the orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

—–

A married couple was having a disagreement while sitting in bed.

The wife said to her husband, “You’re impossible,” to which the husband replied, “No. I’m next to impossible.”

—–

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly…then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F,G, H…I, J, K.”

She asks…”What does that mean?”

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said…”Oh, that’s so lovely… What about I, J, K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

His eye is still swollen… but it will get better…

—–

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

Forget calling them “Veal Parmigiana” or “Turkey Loaf” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

If you look in my freezer you’ll see “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” and, my favorite, “Food.”

That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I’m certain to have what he wants.”

—–

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

“It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother.

Then she said to the minister, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

—–

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

The preacher paused and then replied, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

—–

The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man’s arm.

“Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?” Smith asked the plaintiff.

The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain.

“Thank you,” said Smith. “And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?”

The man’s arm shot above his head.

—–

“I do have washboard abs – they just happen to have a little laundry on them at the moment.”

—–

Did you hear about the folks at the zoo who work in the butterfly room there? One of them is doing such a good job they named him “Employee of the Moth.”

—–

As a psychologist, my first job was working in a small clinic. One of my patients was a pleasant woman who needed emotional support because of some recurring health problems.

After six months of treating her, I was really impressed with my work. In one session, my patient was reviewing her career and personal accomplishments over the last 50 years as a way to boost her self-esteem.

Suddenly she paused and looked at me. What she said next brought my ego back in line. “Honey,” she asked sweetly, “what was it again that you do for a living?”

—–

“Only 92 of our 100 cows were in the barn so I couldn’t begin the milking. We still lacked eight,” Tom uttered.

—–

Humor #188

A three-year-old regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.

On a recent Sunday, the three-year-old attended church with the family. As the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting,

“Touchdown!”

—–

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”

“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”

“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

—–

A man walks into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, “Is there a criminal lawyer in town?”

To which the man behind the counter immediately quips, “Yes, but we haven’t been able to prove it yet!”

—–

“I think my smart phone is broken…. I pressed my home button but I’m still at work.”

—–

Diane was getting real discouraged over the lack of finding a steady man in her life.

In an attempt to lift her spirits, her friend Karen said, “There’s a man for every woman and a woman for every man. You can’t change that.”

Diane replied, “I don’t want to change it! I just wanna get in on it.”

—–

A blonde watching the news hears that two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

She sobs and cries, “Oh my goodness, that is so sad! How many is a brazilian?”

—–

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, “I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash.”

The granddaughter, about to become rich says, “Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?”.

With her last breath, granny whispered, “Facebook…”

—–

“A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.”

—–

“My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.”

– Rodney Dangerfield

—–

“If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it’s that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads.”

– Chris Needles

—–

The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, “How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?”

One student said, “Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time.”

Sternly, the teacher said, “You didn’t read the assignment!”

The student brought the textbook up to the teacher’s desk and showed her where it read, “Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage.”

—–

Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish.

One 11-year old wrote, “When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.”

—–

Humor #187

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies.

It was his first time approaching a field during the night time.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”

The controller switched the field lights off and replied:

“Guess where!”

—–

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.

At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: “Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed.”

—–

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, “There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has.”

They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, “Now there’s a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has.”

The little boy thought for a while and then said, “You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky.”

“Why?” asked the old man in surprise.

“Well, whichever place you go to, you’ll have some money to draw on.”

—–

The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.

“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked .

—–

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”

—–

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up. ”

—–

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”

The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

—–

I don’t think I’ll ever have a mother’s intuition.

My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I said, “What do I do if he cries?”

She said “Give him some vegetables.”

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

—–

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. “No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!”

Trying to convince him further she noted, “Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm.”

“No, she isn’t,” said Johnny.

“How do you know she’s not?” said the mother.

“Because I ate her first!” answered Little Johnny.

—–

 

Humor #186

When a minister rehearses his sermon is he practicing what he preaches?”

—–

I have been to plenty of places but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can’t go there alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve never been in Cognito either. I hear that no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport, you have to be driven there.

It’s not hard to get there and I’ve made several trips. I’m planning one in the near future!

—–

Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

“I’m here,” declared one, “to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?”

“I,” sighed the second explorer, “came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons.”

—–

Recently launched into the “real world” and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

“If you got married,” teased my dad, “the premium would be lower.”

My brother smiled and said, “That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts.”

—–

“Planet of the Apes: I can’t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.”

—–

When the man came home, his wife was crying.

“Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed.

“My mother? How could she do that? She’s on vacation on the other side of the world!” the man said.

“I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.”

“And?”

“At the end of the letter she wrote: “Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.”

—–

“I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.”

—–

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said.

“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A little girl raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”

—–

Chickens should learn to talk because nobody ever said let’s go get a bucket of parrot.

—–

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife’s roommate commented, “Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.”

—–

Preparing my five-year-old son, Keegan, for his first overnight sleepover, I explained, “Eat whatever is served, say thanks, and make sure you behave yourself.” “Oh, don’t worry, Mom,” Keegan replied. “I never sin at anyone else’s house.”

—–

As a visiting evangelist, I eat at many church potlucks. In a small-town Kansas church, the pastor suggested a 10-year-old boy to be my host. The youngster took his task seriously. He introduced me to everyone, and then took me to the food table.

Jeremy commented on each casserole. “You’ll want some of that and that,” he said, pointing. Then looking at another dish, “Trust me. Skip that one.” We got near the end of the table when he said, “My mom brought that.” When I asked him if it was good, he said, “The recipe has been in the family for years. Passed down from one bad cook to another.”

Humor #185

10 Words That Don’t Exist, But Should

 

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

 

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

 

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

 

4. ELBONICS (el bon’iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

 

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

 

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

 

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

 

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

 

9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

 

1. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

 

Humor #184

Politically Correct Statements

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive.”

Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”

You’re not having a bad hair day, you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

No one’s tall anymore. He’s “vertically enhanced.”

You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”

You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”

It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”

AND FOR STUDENTS…

The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”

No one fails a class anymore, he’s merely “passing impaired.”

You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the “exit delayed.”

These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”

Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive.”

Your homework isn’t missing, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

You’re not sleeping in class, you’re “rationing consciousness.”

You don’t have smelly gym socks, you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”

You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”

You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”