One day the zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books?”
“Well,” said the orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
A married couple was having a disagreement while sitting in bed.
The wife said to her husband, “You’re impossible,” to which the husband replied, “No. I’m next to impossible.”
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly…then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F,G, H…I, J, K.”
She asks…”What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said…”Oh, that’s so lovely… What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
His eye is still swollen… but it will get better…
I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
Forget calling them “Veal Parmigiana” or “Turkey Loaf” or “Beef Pot Pie.”
If you look in my freezer you’ll see “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” and, my favorite, “Food.”
That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I’m certain to have what he wants.”
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
“It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother.
Then she said to the minister, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”
The preacher paused and then replied, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”
The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man’s arm.
“Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?” Smith asked the plaintiff.
The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain.
“Thank you,” said Smith. “And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?”
The man’s arm shot above his head.
“I do have washboard abs – they just happen to have a little laundry on them at the moment.”
Did you hear about the folks at the zoo who work in the butterfly room there? One of them is doing such a good job they named him “Employee of the Moth.”
As a psychologist, my first job was working in a small clinic. One of my patients was a pleasant woman who needed emotional support because of some recurring health problems.
After six months of treating her, I was really impressed with my work. In one session, my patient was reviewing her career and personal accomplishments over the last 50 years as a way to boost her self-esteem.
Suddenly she paused and looked at me. What she said next brought my ego back in line. “Honey,” she asked sweetly, “what was it again that you do for a living?”
“Only 92 of our 100 cows were in the barn so I couldn’t begin the milking. We still lacked eight,” Tom uttered.