Humor #186

When a minister rehearses his sermon is he practicing what he preaches?”

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I have been to plenty of places but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can’t go there alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve never been in Cognito either. I hear that no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport, you have to be driven there.

It’s not hard to get there and I’ve made several trips. I’m planning one in the near future!

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Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

“I’m here,” declared one, “to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?”

“I,” sighed the second explorer, “came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons.”

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Recently launched into the “real world” and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

“If you got married,” teased my dad, “the premium would be lower.”

My brother smiled and said, “That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts.”

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“Planet of the Apes: I can’t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.”

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When the man came home, his wife was crying.

“Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed.

“My mother? How could she do that? She’s on vacation on the other side of the world!” the man said.

“I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.”

“And?”

“At the end of the letter she wrote: “Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.”

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“I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.”

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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said.

“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A little girl raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”

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Chickens should learn to talk because nobody ever said let’s go get a bucket of parrot.

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After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife’s roommate commented, “Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.”

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Preparing my five-year-old son, Keegan, for his first overnight sleepover, I explained, “Eat whatever is served, say thanks, and make sure you behave yourself.” “Oh, don’t worry, Mom,” Keegan replied. “I never sin at anyone else’s house.”

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As a visiting evangelist, I eat at many church potlucks. In a small-town Kansas church, the pastor suggested a 10-year-old boy to be my host. The youngster took his task seriously. He introduced me to everyone, and then took me to the food table.

Jeremy commented on each casserole. “You’ll want some of that and that,” he said, pointing. Then looking at another dish, “Trust me. Skip that one.” We got near the end of the table when he said, “My mom brought that.” When I asked him if it was good, he said, “The recipe has been in the family for years. Passed down from one bad cook to another.”

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