Humor #187

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies.

It was his first time approaching a field during the night time.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”

The controller switched the field lights off and replied:

“Guess where!”

—–

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.

At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: “Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed.”

—–

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, “There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has.”

They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, “Now there’s a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has.”

The little boy thought for a while and then said, “You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky.”

“Why?” asked the old man in surprise.

“Well, whichever place you go to, you’ll have some money to draw on.”

—–

The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.

“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked .

—–

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”

—–

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up. ”

—–

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”

The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

—–

I don’t think I’ll ever have a mother’s intuition.

My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I said, “What do I do if he cries?”

She said “Give him some vegetables.”

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

—–

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. “No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!”

Trying to convince him further she noted, “Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm.”

“No, she isn’t,” said Johnny.

“How do you know she’s not?” said the mother.

“Because I ate her first!” answered Little Johnny.

—–

 

Advertisements