Humor #188

A three-year-old regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.

On a recent Sunday, the three-year-old attended church with the family. As the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting,

“Touchdown!”

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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”

“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”

“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

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A man walks into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, “Is there a criminal lawyer in town?”

To which the man behind the counter immediately quips, “Yes, but we haven’t been able to prove it yet!”

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“I think my smart phone is broken…. I pressed my home button but I’m still at work.”

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Diane was getting real discouraged over the lack of finding a steady man in her life.

In an attempt to lift her spirits, her friend Karen said, “There’s a man for every woman and a woman for every man. You can’t change that.”

Diane replied, “I don’t want to change it! I just wanna get in on it.”

—–

A blonde watching the news hears that two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

She sobs and cries, “Oh my goodness, that is so sad! How many is a brazilian?”

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A dying granny tells her granddaughter, “I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash.”

The granddaughter, about to become rich says, “Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?”.

With her last breath, granny whispered, “Facebook…”

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“A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.”

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“My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.”

– Rodney Dangerfield

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“If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it’s that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads.”

– Chris Needles

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The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, “How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?”

One student said, “Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time.”

Sternly, the teacher said, “You didn’t read the assignment!”

The student brought the textbook up to the teacher’s desk and showed her where it read, “Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage.”

—–

Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish.

One 11-year old wrote, “When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.”

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