Humor #197

Interview Excerpts

The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:

 

  1. “Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

 

  1. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

 

  1. “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

 

  1. “Applicant asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

 

  1. “Applicant announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.”

 

  1. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

 

  1. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

 

  1. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”

 

  1. “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”

 

  1. “Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

 

  1. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

 

  1. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

 

  1. “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife.  His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company?  When do I start?  What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any farther.”

 

 

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Chocolate Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds; now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
“In the morning I’ll starve…
’til I take that first bite!”

The Legend of the Christmas Tree Angel

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”

Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass…

Humor #197

Merry Christmas!

 

There were two blonds who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blond turned to the other and said,

“I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

—–

The Season of Advent was beginning, and I wanted to inform the children that, according the Bible, Jesus is coming twice, once as the baby in the manger, and then as King.

So I asked the children, “How did Jesus come the first time?”

One child answered, “Down the chimney.”

—–

Here are some signs seen around Christmas time.

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Outside a church: “The original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelery store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000. Three for $200,000.”

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything. A calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

—–

Last year at Christmas time, I dressed up in my Santa suit and after greeting my children, my wife asked the kids if they wanted to take Santa to a relative’s house.

They said yes.

So I got in the minivan and went to the relative’s house. While at their house, my son started misbehaving, so I said in the most bass voice I could muster.

“Son, you better behave or Santa won’t bring you any presents.”

My innocent 5 y/o son turned to my wife and said,

“Mommy Santa’s walking home.”

—–

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. (This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.) Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact.

“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,” the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah’s eyes grew big as her mother asked “Mrs. Claus” (really Sarah’s aunt; Santa’s real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah’s mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah’s uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, “What did Santa say to you, dear?”

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, “Santa said he won’t be bringing toys to my sister this year.”

—–

After some last-minute Christmas shopping with her grandchildren, my friend was rushing them into the car when four-year-old Jason said, “Grandma, Susie has something in her pocket.” He reached in and pulled out a new red barrette.

Though she was tired, my friend knew it was important for Susie to put the item back where she had found it. They did just that. Later at the grocery store checkout, the clerk asked, “Have you kids been good so Santa will come?”

“I’ve been very good,” replied Jason, “but my sister just robbed a store.”

—–

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus.  Sure enough, one day he said, “Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, “What is that?”

He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”

—–

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to give thanks before the family’s Christmas Eve dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.

He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends (naming them one by one). Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sis, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the potatoes, the rolls, the butter, the drinks. Then it was on to the desserts, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited–and waited–and waited.

Finally his mother told him to go on and thank God for the broccoli (the only item he hadn’t mentioned yet).

After a bit longer silence, the young fellow looked up at his mom and said, “I can’t! But I know I should, so I don’t know what to do!”

“What do you mean, dear?” asked his mother.

“Since it’s Jesus’ birthday, I bet he’s listening closer than usual,” said the boy. “So if I thank God for the broccoli, he’ll know that I’m lying, won’t he?”

—–

Rick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.

Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.

Soon we started getting cards from friends signed “The Modest Morrisons,”

“The Clever Clarks,” and “The Successful Smiths.”

Then it hit me.

I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with “Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs.”

—–

A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a package of 50 cards without really looking at them.

Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading the message inside.

On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49 of her friends.

Much to her dismay, it read like this:

This card is just to say

A little gift is on the way.

Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.

—–

Humor #196

Random Acts of Thinking

I want to become a vegetarian, but I’m not sure I can quit eating meat cold turkey.

I wear glasses. Doesn’t that mean that *everything* I see is an optical illusion?

I paid my psychiatrist with a reality check.

Do fishermen live in the reel world?

You want to know a really, really hugely annoyingly bad habit? Over-exaggeration.

I may not be a great artist, but I am really good at drawing a blank.

My wife and I love each other. I rub her back and she massages my ego.

When he who lives in a glass house invites he who is without sin for dinner, bad things can happen.

You can’t stop progress, but you can unplug a good chunk of it.

A chrysanthemum by any other name … would be easier to spell.

Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

My life no longer needs an extreme makeover. Now it just needs a complete do over.

A friend of mine has a nose ring. She keeps the volume pretty low, though, and sets it to “vibrate” at the movies.

I’m not too handy with tools. I once got my finger caught in a screwdriver.

Yesterday I pushed my luck. It was clearly too weak to move by itself.

 

Humor #195

Politically Correct Santa

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the C.A.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he’d never a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even YOU.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”