Humor #205

 DO YOU KNOW YOUR HYMNS?

Dentist’s Hymn……………………………… Crown Him with Many Crowns

Weatherman’s Hymn…………………There Shall Be Showers of  Blessing

Contractor’s Hymn………………………….The Church’s One Foundation

The Tailor’s Hymn…………………………. ..Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer’s Hymn ……………………………There Is a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician’s Hymn…………………….. Standing on the Promises!

Optometrist’s Hymn………………………..  Open My Eyes That I Might See

The Tax Man’s Hymn…………………… I Surrender All

The Gossip’s Hymn…………………………..Pass It On

The Electrician’s Hymn…………………… Send The Light

The Shopper’s Hymn……………………….  Sweet Bye and Bye

The Realtor’s Hymn……………… I’ve Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn…………. He Touched Me

The Doctor’s Hymn………………………….. The Great Physician

AND for those who speed on the highway – a few hymns:

55 mph ……………………… God Will Take Care of You

75 mph ……………………….. Nearer My God To Thee

85 mph ……………………….  This World Is Not My Home

95 mph ……………………….  Lord, I’m Coming Home

100 mph ………………………  Precious Memories

Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folks.

 

 

Humor #204

Causes Of All Fatal Accidents

Do NOT ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.

Do NOT stay home: 17% of all accidents do occur in the home.

Do NOT walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all accidents happen to pedestrians.

Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents happen on these.

Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are related to previous physical disorders.

Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is church. [Bible study is safe, too. The percentage there is even less.]

Go to church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!

Humor #203

Aging Gracefully

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad.

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?

I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid… but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

Humor #202

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal-white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! We had 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Explorer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but I won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but we had another 14″ of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think he’s is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she … nuts??? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

December 24: 6.” Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that guy who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. SHE is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. Another 9″ predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Humor #201

EVER WONDER

– Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

– Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

– Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

– Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

– Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

– Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

– Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

– Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

– Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

– Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

– When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

– Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

– Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

– You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

– Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

– Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

– If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

– If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Jesus Gave Himself For Us

Note: I have posted this before but the message is timeless and a good reminder as we start out the new year . I have added a verse from Matthew & Mark gospels ….

Ephesians 2:4-5 states , “But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved)…”

“The love with which He loved us” Blesses me very much. John 3:16 says that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son…” That is another description of the love with which He loved us.

This year I want to pursue a study of the verses stating God’s love for us.Today I am reposting Jesus loved us and gave Himself for us from last year. I have updated it with a verse found in both the gospels of Matthew and Mark.

The phrase “gave Himself” captivated me, concerning Jesus’ giving Himself for us. So I did a word search for the phrase and came up with the following points and verses.

Jesus gave Himself…

…to give His life as a ransom for many

  • Matthew 20:28 & Mark 10:45 — Even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (NKJV)

…for our sins, that He might deliver us from this present evil age

  • Gal 1:3-5 —  Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ, 4 who gave Himself for our sins, that He might deliver us from this present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father, 5 to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. (NKJV)

…for me (He loved me and gave Himself for me)

  • Gal 2:20 —  I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (NKJV)

…for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God

  • Eph 5:1-2 —  Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma. (NKJV)
    • Eph 5:2 — He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us… (NLT)

…for His Church, that He might sanctify and cleanse her and present her to Himself holy without blemish

  • Eph 5:25-27 —  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. (NKJV)
    • Eph 5:25-26 — …Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her… (NLT)

…a ransom for all, to purchase freedom for everyone

  • 1 Tim 2:5-6 —  For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, 6 who gave Himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time, (NKJV)
    • 1 Tim 2:6 — He gave his life to purchase freedom for everyone. (NTL)

…for us, that He might redeem and purify us for Himself

  • Titus 2:11-14 —  For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, 12 teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, 13 looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, 14 who gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself His own special people, zealous for good works. (NKJV)
    • Titus 2:14 — 14 He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people… (NLT)

In conclusion Romans 8:31-32 states it pretty well: “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?”

Has your heart opened to the love God has for you?

Humor #200

You Know You Are Over the Hill When…

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station…on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large…In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags…and you’re not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar…a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

17. You keep repeating yourself.

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, “whippersnapper,” “scalawag” and “by-cracky” creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

24. Your social security number only has three digit s.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

27. You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden.

28. You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep.

29. The waiter asks how you’d like your steak…and you say “pureed.”

30. At parties you attend, “regularity” is considered the topic of choice.

Humor #199

Having shot a moose two blondes began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.

On the way they were stopped by a game warden. “Let me see your hunting licenses boys,” he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.

“Sure!” the hunters agreed.

“Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail.”

“Aye, O.K. and thanks,” said the lads.

After about five minutes one said to the other, “Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?”

“Aye, you’re right,” said his friend, “but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?”

—–

I took a real estate client to a handyman special. The place was great, and we couldn’t understand why it was so cheap until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling.

Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: “Nice house,” he said. “It’s even self-cleaning.”

—–

On one late night talk show, a panel of three university students were asked questions to test their intelligence. The questions ranged from naming famous politicians to pieces of art. Then the question was raised, “What were the names of Adam and Eve’s children?”

All of the students were silent. One girl finally responded, “Um, well, I didn’t even know they had children.”

—–

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery,” he answers.

“What did he say?” asks the nurse.

“OOPS!”

—–

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can.”

“To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman, “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each.”

—–

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, “I hate to tell you this, honey, but you’re trying to play a cheese slicer.”

—–

A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood.

The dispatcher asks, “Well, lady how do we get there?”

Confused she replies, “Don’t you still have those big red fire trucks?”

—–

Customer: “Hey, can you help me find this book?”

Me: “Sure.”

(He holds up a piece of paper with the title and author of a book on it. I find it on the shelves and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Thanks! How’d you do that so fast?”

Me: “Well, I’ve worked here awhile, and the books are all in alphabetical order by author’s name.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Alphabetical order. Like the alphabet song? You know, A’s before B’s?”

(He looks confused, but then widens his eyes.)

Customer: “The letters actually go in that order? I thought that song was just to remember them all!”

—–

I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation (when a material changes directly from a solid to a gas without becoming liquid). He gave as an example water vapor in the air condensing on a plane’s windshield to form ice.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas. He was expecting “dry ice” as the answer.

One of the students blurted out, “Burritos.”

—–

Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson was constantly hungry. I went to the refrigerator to find something he might like. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili.

I called out to him excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. “Look! I found some chili.”

Struggling to be polite, he said, “If you’re that surprised, I’m not really sure I want it.”

—–

 

New Year’s Resolutions #2

Difficult-to-Keep New Year’s ResolutionsWhen I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!”

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.

I will try to figure out why I “really” need five Facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them.

I will think of a password other than “password.”

New Years Resolutions

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

I have only one resolution: to rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

I’ll remember 2014 like it was yesterday.

Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2015, please?

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2014 and a beautiful beginning into 2015.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself — this year I’m making a resolution to be myself!

I’m planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2015.

My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s Resolutions — that way I succeed at something!

New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.

I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2015 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

Tonight the mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.