Humor #199

Having shot a moose two blondes began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.

On the way they were stopped by a game warden. “Let me see your hunting licenses boys,” he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.

“Sure!” the hunters agreed.

“Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail.”

“Aye, O.K. and thanks,” said the lads.

After about five minutes one said to the other, “Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?”

“Aye, you’re right,” said his friend, “but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?”

—–

I took a real estate client to a handyman special. The place was great, and we couldn’t understand why it was so cheap until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling.

Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: “Nice house,” he said. “It’s even self-cleaning.”

—–

On one late night talk show, a panel of three university students were asked questions to test their intelligence. The questions ranged from naming famous politicians to pieces of art. Then the question was raised, “What were the names of Adam and Eve’s children?”

All of the students were silent. One girl finally responded, “Um, well, I didn’t even know they had children.”

—–

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery,” he answers.

“What did he say?” asks the nurse.

“OOPS!”

—–

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can.”

“To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman, “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each.”

—–

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, “I hate to tell you this, honey, but you’re trying to play a cheese slicer.”

—–

A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood.

The dispatcher asks, “Well, lady how do we get there?”

Confused she replies, “Don’t you still have those big red fire trucks?”

—–

Customer: “Hey, can you help me find this book?”

Me: “Sure.”

(He holds up a piece of paper with the title and author of a book on it. I find it on the shelves and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Thanks! How’d you do that so fast?”

Me: “Well, I’ve worked here awhile, and the books are all in alphabetical order by author’s name.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Alphabetical order. Like the alphabet song? You know, A’s before B’s?”

(He looks confused, but then widens his eyes.)

Customer: “The letters actually go in that order? I thought that song was just to remember them all!”

—–

I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation (when a material changes directly from a solid to a gas without becoming liquid). He gave as an example water vapor in the air condensing on a plane’s windshield to form ice.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas. He was expecting “dry ice” as the answer.

One of the students blurted out, “Burritos.”

—–

Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson was constantly hungry. I went to the refrigerator to find something he might like. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili.

I called out to him excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. “Look! I found some chili.”

Struggling to be polite, he said, “If you’re that surprised, I’m not really sure I want it.”

—–

 

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