Humor #199

Having shot a moose two blondes began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.

On the way they were stopped by a game warden. “Let me see your hunting licenses boys,” he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.

“Sure!” the hunters agreed.

“Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail.”

“Aye, O.K. and thanks,” said the lads.

After about five minutes one said to the other, “Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?”

“Aye, you’re right,” said his friend, “but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?”

—–

I took a real estate client to a handyman special. The place was great, and we couldn’t understand why it was so cheap until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling.

Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: “Nice house,” he said. “It’s even self-cleaning.”

—–

On one late night talk show, a panel of three university students were asked questions to test their intelligence. The questions ranged from naming famous politicians to pieces of art. Then the question was raised, “What were the names of Adam and Eve’s children?”

All of the students were silent. One girl finally responded, “Um, well, I didn’t even know they had children.”

—–

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery,” he answers.

“What did he say?” asks the nurse.

“OOPS!”

—–

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can.”

“To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman, “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each.”

—–

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, “I hate to tell you this, honey, but you’re trying to play a cheese slicer.”

—–

A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood.

The dispatcher asks, “Well, lady how do we get there?”

Confused she replies, “Don’t you still have those big red fire trucks?”

—–

Customer: “Hey, can you help me find this book?”

Me: “Sure.”

(He holds up a piece of paper with the title and author of a book on it. I find it on the shelves and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Thanks! How’d you do that so fast?”

Me: “Well, I’ve worked here awhile, and the books are all in alphabetical order by author’s name.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Alphabetical order. Like the alphabet song? You know, A’s before B’s?”

(He looks confused, but then widens his eyes.)

Customer: “The letters actually go in that order? I thought that song was just to remember them all!”

—–

I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation (when a material changes directly from a solid to a gas without becoming liquid). He gave as an example water vapor in the air condensing on a plane’s windshield to form ice.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas. He was expecting “dry ice” as the answer.

One of the students blurted out, “Burritos.”

—–

Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson was constantly hungry. I went to the refrigerator to find something he might like. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili.

I called out to him excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. “Look! I found some chili.”

Struggling to be polite, he said, “If you’re that surprised, I’m not really sure I want it.”

—–

 

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New Year’s Resolutions #2

Difficult-to-Keep New Year’s ResolutionsWhen I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!”

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.

I will try to figure out why I “really” need five Facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them.

I will think of a password other than “password.”

New Years Resolutions

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

I have only one resolution: to rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

I’ll remember 2014 like it was yesterday.

Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2015, please?

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2014 and a beautiful beginning into 2015.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself — this year I’m making a resolution to be myself!

I’m planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2015.

My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s Resolutions — that way I succeed at something!

New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.

I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2015 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

Tonight the mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

Humor #198

Happy New Year!

Laws of Reality

 Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

 Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the BathWhen the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

 Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

 Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 Doctors’ Law If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.