Humor #228

Senior Wisdom

A senior who had been retired became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”

Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this senior didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to the clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: — ” I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me ??

Senior  — “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: — Aaagh !! — “This is Gasoline!”

Senior: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of  days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Senior: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor Young:  “Oh no you don’t,  —  that is Gasoline!”

Senior: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak  —  I can hardly see !!!!

Senior: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so —  ” Here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”

“Congratulations!

You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story  —

Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart a senior ” !!!!

Humor #227

Short Groaners

Why do some sausages have meat at one end and corn meal at the other?
Because it is hard to make both ends meat.

Two lovers who had been apart for some time were reunited on a foggy day.
One whispered to the other, “I mist you.”

“I see you went crazy at that big summer sale.”
“You got that right. I almost bought their elevator ’cause it was marked down.”

“I felt great just chewing away, blowing huge bubbles. Then the bubble burst, it lost its flavor, and I started worrying about my life again and what it means…”
“Yep! That’s the trouble with Carefree Gum.”

I’m not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance … she leaned over and pushed me.

A tax collector went to a tannery. “Why haven’t you paid your taxes?” the collector asked the owner of the tannery.
“Business has been very bad,” answered the tanner.
“Do you mind if I check around the place?” asked the tax man.
“Go ahead,” invited the owner. “You’ll see I have nothing to hide.”

Humor #226

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want…*

(Mother’s Day is coming up)

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any “floaties” (ie, backwash)

9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that “Why is this person my mother?” way.

8. Five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty.

7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a “Hi Ya Mom!” just as I put a razor to my ankle.

6. A full time cleaning person – period!

5. For my teenager to announce “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!”

4. A grocery store that doesn’t have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.

2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, “Oh no! Why me…!”

And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want is…..

Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

Humor #225

Water in the Glass

A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass were in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, “What did your mother say about the glass?”

The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts: one a colorless, odorless liquid; the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus, the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn’t have enough ice in it.

The OPPPORTUNIST would drink it and ask for a refill.

Humor #224

Puns #2

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

15. The tiny fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count
that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, Im sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
Dam!

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you cant have your
kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other
says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that
at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Humor #223

Puns #1

1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: You stay here; I’ll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

Humor #222

Air Traffic Control

A controller working a busy pattern told the 727 downwind to make a 360. The pilot of the 727 complained, “Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?”

Without missing a beat, the controller replied, “Roger, give me four thousand dollars’ worth.”

———–

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said, “Tower, this is United 586. We’ve got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first.” The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

———–

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: “American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.”

———–

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.”

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy the report from Eastern?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff … and yes, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”