Humor #236

One morning a 3-year-old, Katherine, helped remind mom that God wants her to come to Him just as she is. She was dancing and singing around the house as usual, but as mom listened, she noticed her daughter was singing, “I love you, Lord, and I lift my noise!”
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My five-year-old grandnephew was obviously worried as he looked down the long aisle of the church where his aunt was to be married the following day. His grandmother had an idea. “I think I’ll give a prize to the person who does the best job tomorrow,” she told him.

We were all holding our breath the next day, but when it was time, the ring bearer performed without a hitch.

When his grandmother told him he had won the prize, he was both excited and relieved. “I was pretty sure I had it,” he admitted, “until Aunt Dana came in wearing that white dress and the horn was blowing. Then I started thinking—she might win!”

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Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.

“I’m so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he’s been promising to do!”

His grandmother was curious. “What trick is that, sweetie?”

The little guy smiled at her, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!”

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A farmer’s cow gave birth to twin bull calves. The farmer was delighted as bull calves are worth more than a cow calf.  Since he had two he decided to sell one for the work of the Lord once it was fully grown.

However one of the calves soon grew sick, and then sicker until one day the farmer came into the house one day looking sad.

He looked at his wife and said, “You’ll never guess what’s just happened? The Lord’s calf is dead!”

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Here is how to get a free 3D printer:

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

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A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications.

He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.

The computer operated faultlessly.

It sent him a penguin.

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The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very specific guidelines. “Nothing fragrant,” she instructed. “Nothing too tall or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample.” She handed me a plain square of tan-colored paper.

“Your name?” I asked.

“Mrs. Bland,” the woman replied.

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My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship.

It’s titled: “Women Are from Venus and Men Are Wrong.”

 

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Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

“How much do they cost?” he asked the salesperson.

“That depends,” he said. “They run from $2.00 to $2,000.”

“Let’s see the $2.00 model,” said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris’ neck. “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructed.

“How does it work?” asked Morris.

“For $2.00 it doesn’t work,” the salesperson replied. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!”

 

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An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he’s in luck, there’s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.  The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.  He asks the delivery man, “What on earth did you put on this pizza?”

The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.”

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Christmas was finally over and the pastor’s wife dropped into an easy chair saying, “Boy, am I ever tired.”

Her husband looked over at her and said, “I had to conduct two special services last night and three today, and I gave a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?”

“Dear,” she replied, “I had to listen to all of them.”

 

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We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India.

Recently documents written by Queen Isabella’s official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage. His first words were, “I’ll bet I’m the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon.”

 

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