Humor #242

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
—–

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
—–

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
—–

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
—–

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
—–

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
—–

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
—–

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.
—–

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
—–

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Humor #241

Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!  Part 2

 

  1. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

 

  1. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

 

  1. You sing along with elevator music.

 

  1. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

 

  15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

 

  1. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

 

  1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

 

  1. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

 

  1. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

 

Most importantly, never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.  

Humor #240

Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!  Part 1

 

  1. Kidnappers are not interested in you.

 

  1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

 

  1. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

 

  1. People call at 9 pm and ask,”Did I wake you?”

 

  1. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

 

  1. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

 

  1. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

 

  1. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

 

  1. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

 

  1. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

 

Humor #239

Random thoughts as we age 

The biggest lie I tell myself is …”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!

I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree … that makes it a plant which means … chocolate is salad!!!

 

 

Humor #238

These are actual complaints received by “Thomas Cook Vacations” from dissatisfied customers:

These are alleged to be actual complaints. I can’t verify it, but they sound real to me.

.
1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”
5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”
7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”
8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”
12. [My favorite. Mike] “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”
15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”
16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
19. “My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

Humor #237

It was the toughest experience of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.  Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.  I completely lost my memory for a while.  I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

Realizing that perhaps I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at new medical office.  The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history.

I don’t know how I pulled through it.  It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.

—–

A little girl was talking to her teacher about Jonah being swallowed by a great fish. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a fish to swallow a human because even though they were large their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a large fish.

The teacher reiterated that a fish could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

 —–

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why.  With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.  She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were.  It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on.  She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”  She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to.  Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots.  My Mom made me wear them.” She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I tuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

—–

I’m allergic to food – I break out in fat.

I wish my wallet came with free refills.

—–

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack’s Last Will and Testament.

“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.”

“To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.”

“To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.”

“And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”

—–

The chief of staff of the Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in a recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

The general turns to his aide and says, “Sign him up — all the paper work done, everything, do it today!” The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man says, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need woodchoppers in the Air Force. What else do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me. We don’t need woodchoppers; this is the 21st century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “But he’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says, “I HAVE to chop it before he can pile it!”

—–

An overweight clerk consulted his doctor for advice. The doctor advised that the clerk run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would burn off as much as twenty pounds.

The clerk followed the doctor’s advice and, after thirty days, was pleased to note a loss of twenty pounds.

The clerk phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice that produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, there was one last question:

“How do I get home, since I’m now 300 miles away?”
—–

The bedtime rituals had extended longer than the allotted time, and three-year-old Kevin’s requests had gone beyond the second drink of water and more stories. But my husband and I were soon caught off guard when Kevin yelled from his room, “Can three people fit in a big bed?” When I answered yes, he said, “Okay, I’ll be right over.”

—–

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.

When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

“Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother asked.

“I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:

“Don’t get excited, Ma, I used the old one!”

 —–

I was with a friend in a cafe’ when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation.

“What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?” I wondered aloud.

“Some are quite effective,” my friend corrected me.

“Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors’.

Whenever I wanted him home, I’d go out to the driveway and jostle his car.”

—–

A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor — it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer.

After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor.

“Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” begged the attorney.

“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the funeral home,” replied the governor.
—–

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”

The clerk replies, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

The owner screams, “You goober!  You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!”

The clerk calmly replies, “Of course you can! Look at him; he’s afraid to cough!”

—–

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6:00 a.m. wake-up call.

The next morning, I awoke before 6:00, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

“Good morning,” a young man said sheepishly. “This is your wake-up call.”

Annoyed, I let the motel worker have it.

“You were supposed to call me at 6:00 AM!” I complained. “What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?”

“Well, sir,” the desk clerk quickly replied, “if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn’t be staying in this motel!”

—–

Walking into a bar one night, a man yelled out, “Who’s the strongest in here?”

A huge man stands up and thumps his own chest.  “I am the strongest!”

“Great!” the first man said.   “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”