Most mornings I go to the local YMCA to exercise. One morning there was a big man working out on the stair climbing machine. He was really climbing stairs. I did my time on the treadmill and he was still climbing. I went to another machine to continue my work out. He was still climbing. I wondered what motivated him to work so vigorously.
He finally finished and as he walked by where I was working out, I said to him, “You were really climbing those stairs.”
His reply, “Yeah, I was.”
I asked, “What were you going to do when you got to the top?”
“Grab a pie.”
“Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone – that’s actually what caused many of their deaths … pillow fights.”
As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police and he was arrested.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. “What happened to the drummer you had?” he asked me.
“I had him arrested,” I replied. We said good-bye and hung up.
A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, “How badly did he play?”
At their tag sale, a family put all of the “junk” they just wanted to get rid of in a carton they marked “Free Box.”
Moments after they set it at the foot of the driveway, a man drove up, looked at the box, dumped its contents on the lawn, and drove off with it.
The fur began to fly when my fellow airline passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flight out of Aspen. When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got.
Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, “Those of you continuing on to L.A. wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over.”
Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one day when the topic came around to animals and their distinguishing traits.
The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.
Farmer Jones piped in, “You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God’s creation is the goose.”
The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.
“Well,” explained Farmer Jones, “I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of ’em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of ’em honked and waved!”
Gramma realized that her five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day they attended a relative’s wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to her and asked,
“Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”
“Really!?” he said. “Have you tried mouthwash?”
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.