Humor #258

Most mornings I go to the local YMCA to exercise. One morning there was a big man working out on the stair climbing machine. He was really climbing stairs. I did my time on the treadmill and he was still climbing. I went to another machine to continue my work out. He was still climbing. I wondered what motivated him to work so vigorously.

He finally finished and as he walked by where I was working out, I said to him, “You were really climbing those stairs.”

His reply, “Yeah, I was.”

I asked, “What were you going to do when you got to the top?”

“Grab a pie.”

—–

“Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone – that’s actually what caused many of their deaths … pillow fights.”

—–

As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police and he was arrested.

Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. “What happened to the drummer you had?” he asked me.

“I had him arrested,” I replied. We said good-bye and hung up.

A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, “How badly did he play?”

—–

At their tag sale, a family put all of the “junk” they just wanted to get rid of in a carton they marked “Free Box.”

Moments after they set it at the foot of the driveway, a man drove up, looked at the box, dumped its contents on the lawn, and drove off with it.

—–

The fur began to fly when my fellow airline passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flight out of Aspen. When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got.

Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, “Those of you continuing on to L.A. wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over.”

—–

Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one day when the topic came around to animals and their distinguishing traits.

The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.

Farmer Jones piped in, “You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God’s creation is the goose.”

The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.

“Well,” explained Farmer Jones, “I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of ’em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of ’em honked and waved!”

—–

Gramma realized that her five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day they attended a relative’s wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to her and asked,

“Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”

—–

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

—–

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Really!?” he said. “Have you tried mouthwash?”

—–

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Humor #257

Flight Instructions

1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.

3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.

4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A “good” landing is one from which you can walk away. A “great” landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival — and vice versa.

12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.

14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.

24. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you’ve made.

25. The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

And a bonus tip:

Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

Humor #256

“What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means”

With school about to start here is a translation guide to those notes sent home…

  1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
    (He was caught cheating on a test).
  2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
    (The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes).
  3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
    (He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
  4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her.
    (The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term).
  5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
    (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
  6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
    (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
  7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
    (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
  8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
    (He’s a bully).
  9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
    (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
  10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
    (She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers).
  11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
    (He must have written the Whiner’s Guide).
  12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment.
    (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
  13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
    (A mouth that never stops yakking).

Humor #255

As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.

“I really only need mine for close reading,” explained the first.

Remarked the second, “I only use mine when the light is bad.”

The third confessed, “I rarely wear mine – except when I want to see.”

—–

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn’t improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said,

“When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

—–

Out on a walk with my new girlfriend last night, only a small sliver of the moon was visible in the sky. She turned to me and asked, “Is it waxing or waning?”

I had no idea what to answer, but wanting to make a good impression I stopped and gazed for a few seconds wondering what the odds were I would pick the right answer of the two.

It was then that I realized there was a 50% chance of wane.

—–

“Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.”

—–

The minister advised Uncle Howard to give some thought to the “hereafter.” Uncle Howard told him that the hereafter was hardly ever out of his mind.

At least a dozen times a day he would go to do something, like going to the bathroom cabinet for his medicine, then say, “What on earth am I hereafter?!”

—–

Patients call the office manager at a pathology group to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that the manager describe every laboratory test on her statement.

Of course, she complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, she read, “Number 1, urinalysis.. .”

She interrupted me at once. “I’m a what?”

—–

I bought a great new toilet seat recently. On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I’ll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is “Dishwasher Safe.”

—–

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots – so far, the universe is winning.”
~Rich Cook

Humor #254

“Funny how a dollar can look so big when you take it to church, and so small when you take it to the store.”

—–

“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”
~Will Rogers

—–

“Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.”

—–

A man who hadn’t attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, “How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!”

“Well, Preacher,” said the fisherman, “Quite honestly, it’s a matter of choice. I’d much rather hear your sermon than hers.”

—–

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says, “Billy, are you all right? You’ve been in there for a while.”

Billy says, “I’m fine, Mommy. I just haven’t gone doody yet.”

Mother says, “Okay, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”

Billy says, “Works for ketchup!”

—–

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, “Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”

—–

Mary’s fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word “frugal” in the list, she asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.

Her paper read:

Frugal: to save

Sentence:

Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out.

She yelled “Frugal me, Frugal me!”

—–

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed Lily for lunch?”

“That’s up to you,” I replied. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not at home?”

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, “Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?”

—–

My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.

“I know,” he replied. “It’s a fad me and some of the guys started.”

Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, “I can’t stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you.”

I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.

“Yeah,” he said smiling slyly. “All the girls do, too.”

—–

While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the city of Adak. They had lost contact with one of their planes, and they needed the Coast Guard to send an aircraft to go find it.

I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been spotted so we would know where to search.

“I can’t tell you,” the Navy man said. “That’s classified.”

Humor #253

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee.

“I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you’ve put AMAP down for required salary. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen that before, what does it mean?”

The applicant replied, “As Much as Possible!”

—–

“Smiling has always been easier than explaining why you’re sad.”

——

As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months.

One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was trailing a frazzled mother with two active children, and I watched as she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case.

“If you don’t get off there right now,” she commanded, “I’m going to e-mail your father!”

—–

On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference:

  • If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock.
  • If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.
  • If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
  • If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
  • If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.
  • If you are in the National Guard, it’s still a couple of hours until quitting time.”

—–

“Hello, hello?” shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. “Is this the SPCA?”

“Yes.”

“I want you to send somebody over right away.”

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my dog.”

—–

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.

The reply came back shortly: “Begin vacation as of yesterday.”

—–

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

—–

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked “What are you doing with that dog?”

One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie,” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”

—–

The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over.

“Your hard drive crashed,” he said.

I called the computer services office and explained, “My computer is down. The hard drive crashed.”

“We can’t just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that’s the problem?”

“A student told me,” I answered.

“We’ll send someone over right away.”

Humor #252

What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?

—–

I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee.

—–

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, “Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful – so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing.”

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, “Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!”

—–

A little girl and a little boy were at daycare one day.

The girl approached the boy and said, “Hey Billy, want to play house?”

He said, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”

Sally replied, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”

“Communicate my feelings?” said a bewildered Billy… “I have no idea what that means.”

The little girl nodded and said, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

—–

A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marvels at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

“Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”

“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

“You sell them here?” the customer asks.

“Only $4 apiece,” says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough, ” says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.

“Hey, Green,” he says, “you’re selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”

“You see?” says Green. “You’re smarter already.”

—–

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door.

After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

—–

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

“Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, “and then press the trigger to release the foam.”

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember?”

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin … and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

—–

A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.

“Labor charges!” she exclaimed. “It only took you five minutes.”

The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.

“Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor,” the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.