As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.
“I really only need mine for close reading,” explained the first.
Remarked the second, “I only use mine when the light is bad.”
The third confessed, “I rarely wear mine – except when I want to see.”
A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn’t improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said,
“When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
Out on a walk with my new girlfriend last night, only a small sliver of the moon was visible in the sky. She turned to me and asked, “Is it waxing or waning?”
I had no idea what to answer, but wanting to make a good impression I stopped and gazed for a few seconds wondering what the odds were I would pick the right answer of the two.
It was then that I realized there was a 50% chance of wane.
“Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.”
The minister advised Uncle Howard to give some thought to the “hereafter.” Uncle Howard told him that the hereafter was hardly ever out of his mind.
At least a dozen times a day he would go to do something, like going to the bathroom cabinet for his medicine, then say, “What on earth am I hereafter?!”
Patients call the office manager at a pathology group to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that the manager describe every laboratory test on her statement.
Of course, she complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, she read, “Number 1, urinalysis.. .”
She interrupted me at once. “I’m a what?”
I bought a great new toilet seat recently. On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I’ll take advantage of it.
My toilet seat, it seems, is “Dishwasher Safe.”
“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots – so far, the universe is winning.”