Humor #266

Children in Church

 

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps,stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

 

One Sunday a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

 

One particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

 

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

 

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

 

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out..

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered, “It’s Adam ‘s suit”.

 

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

 

Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

 

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, “No, how are we alike?”

“You’re both old,” he replied.

 

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,

“Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the  King James Virgin ?”

 

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

 

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Humor #265

Subject: Teacher Arrested At Halifax International

A high school teacher was arrested today at Halifax’s Stanfield International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At the press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged  with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns;” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Stephan Harper said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Prime Minister.

 

Humor #264

Word Play

1. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

2. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

3. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

5. A hole was found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking in to it.

6. A sign on the lawn of a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

7. A backward poet writes in-verse.

8. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

9. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

10. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.

Humor #263

Courtroom Comedy

Get a load of these actual courtroom conversations, as found in the books Humor in the Court and More Humor in the Court:

Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Witness: He says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Witness: No.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Doctor: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Lawyer: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
Witness: Picking them up in the air.
Lawyer: Where was the dog at this time?
Witness: Attached to the ears.

Lawyer: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. OK? What school do you go to?
Gary: Oral.
Lawyer: How old are you?
Gary: Oral.

Lawyer: Could you see him from where you were standing?
Witness: I could see his head.
Lawyer: And where was his head?
Witness: Just above his shoulders.

Humor #262

How to Get On in Life

“Tell me how to get on in life,” said the kettle.

“Take panes,” said the window.

“Never be led,” said the pencil.

“Do a driving business,” said the hammer.

“Aspire to great things,” said the nutmeg grater.

“Make light of everything,” said the fire.

“Make much of small things,” said the microscope.

“Never do anything offhand,” said the glove.

“Just reflect,” said the mirror.

“Be sharp,” said the knife.

“Find a good thing and stick to it,” said the glue.

And that’s why the kettle sings as she works, and works as she sings.

Humor #261

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother.  “Make three wishes,” she told her mother, “and I’ll grant them.”

Her mom first asked for world peace.  Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.  Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, “I wish to have a trim figure again.”

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.

“I’ll need more power for this!” she exclaimed.

—–

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning; he felt that in this suit he could do business.

As he was preening in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets. To his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”

The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”

The tailor then said, “Whoever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

—–

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy…”

—–

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “Please step to your left – you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

—–

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, “Why did you bring!  an umbrella to camp?”

The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?

—–

One night a family was doing a devotional that included the story of the Ten Commandments. Dad asked, “How many commandments did God give to Moses?”

Seth, the 5-year-old son, quickly replied, “Too many!”

—–

A man stopped to watch a Little League baseball game. He asked one of the youngsters what the score was. “We’re losing 18-0,” was the answer.

“Well,” said the man. “I must say you don’t look discouraged.”

“Discouraged?” the boy said, puzzled. “Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t come to bat yet.”

—–

When our eldest daughter was old enough to understand what saving money was all about, my wife and I sat down with her and explained the value of money. We explained how you save, and when the piggybank was full, you take the money out and deposit it in a commercial bank so that it might draw interest. We thought we had done a thorough job. She seemed to understand and couldn’t wait to open a savings account in our local bank by herself.

I called the banker in our little town and told him our daughter was on the way to open her savings account. We would stop in later and sign the necessary papers.

What a thrill! She got the president of the bank himself to wait on her. She handed over her savings, and he gave her a receipt and thanked her for her business. But she wouldn’t leave. She just stood there like she was waiting on something else. “Is there anything else that I can help you with?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, “I want my interest.”

Construction Site Murder

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once, but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claimed that he didn’t do anything, but he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation, and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once, but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Humor #260

One day a blonde decided to face her fears and go riding on a horse. It was easy for her to get on and she was doing just fine until the horse started to go faster. She started slipping off the saddle. She couldn’t hold on to the horse and her head started hitting the ground.

She was almost knocked unconscious when the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the machine.

—–

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.

Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”

—–

Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half.

Good. I’ll take two of them.

—–

Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before summer’s end, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and the broken gate — household projects that had awaited me all summer.

My wife asked, “What are you going to do today?”

I grinned and answered, “It starts with F and ends with ISH.”

“Oh, good,” she replied. “You’re finally going to FinISH up those projects.”

—–

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain’s body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and… The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:

Port Left

Starboard Right

—–

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

“What will you do with it?” my wife asked.

“We burn it” was the answer.

“Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?” asked my wife.

“Certainly not,” said the clerk. “This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it’s destroyed.”

—–

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast food restaurant waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted: “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”

—–

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: “You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure.”

So I did.

Humor #259

Did you hear about the scientists who were nominated for the Nobel Prize?

It seems they discovered and calibrated the smallest particles known to man using only dental equipment.

They became known as “The Graders of the Flossed Quark.”

—–

“Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.”

—–

The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”

The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”

—–

“If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?”

—–

Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the discovery of America by Columbus.

She concluded with, “And all this happened more than 500 years ago.”

“Wow!” exclaimed Little Johnny, “What a great memory you have!”

—–

Why can’t a blonde dial 911?

She can’t find the eleven

—–

A fifth grader class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. “Why are you lying in the aisle like that.”

“Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”

—–

“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.

“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”

—–

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

—–

Now that we are into renaming things like Mount Diablo, President Obama wants to rename the San Andreas Fault. His suggestion, Bush’s Fault.

—–

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds… To continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, It knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins. Ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Women drivers!