Did you hear about the scientists who were nominated for the Nobel Prize?
It seems they discovered and calibrated the smallest particles known to man using only dental equipment.
They became known as “The Graders of the Flossed Quark.”
“Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.”
The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”
The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”
“If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?”
Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the discovery of America by Columbus.
She concluded with, “And all this happened more than 500 years ago.”
“Wow!” exclaimed Little Johnny, “What a great memory you have!”
Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
She can’t find the eleven
A fifth grader class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. “Why are you lying in the aisle like that.”
“Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”
“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.
“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
Now that we are into renaming things like Mount Diablo, President Obama wants to rename the San Andreas Fault. His suggestion, Bush’s Fault.
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds… To continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, It knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins. Ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.