Humor #261

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother.  “Make three wishes,” she told her mother, “and I’ll grant them.”

Her mom first asked for world peace.  Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.  Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, “I wish to have a trim figure again.”

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.

“I’ll need more power for this!” she exclaimed.

—–

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning; he felt that in this suit he could do business.

As he was preening in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets. To his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”

The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”

The tailor then said, “Whoever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

—–

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy…”

—–

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “Please step to your left – you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

—–

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, “Why did you bring!  an umbrella to camp?”

The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?

—–

One night a family was doing a devotional that included the story of the Ten Commandments. Dad asked, “How many commandments did God give to Moses?”

Seth, the 5-year-old son, quickly replied, “Too many!”

—–

A man stopped to watch a Little League baseball game. He asked one of the youngsters what the score was. “We’re losing 18-0,” was the answer.

“Well,” said the man. “I must say you don’t look discouraged.”

“Discouraged?” the boy said, puzzled. “Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t come to bat yet.”

—–

When our eldest daughter was old enough to understand what saving money was all about, my wife and I sat down with her and explained the value of money. We explained how you save, and when the piggybank was full, you take the money out and deposit it in a commercial bank so that it might draw interest. We thought we had done a thorough job. She seemed to understand and couldn’t wait to open a savings account in our local bank by herself.

I called the banker in our little town and told him our daughter was on the way to open her savings account. We would stop in later and sign the necessary papers.

What a thrill! She got the president of the bank himself to wait on her. She handed over her savings, and he gave her a receipt and thanked her for her business. But she wouldn’t leave. She just stood there like she was waiting on something else. “Is there anything else that I can help you with?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, “I want my interest.”

Construction Site Murder

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once, but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claimed that he didn’t do anything, but he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation, and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once, but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

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