What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?
I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee.
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.
Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, “Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful – so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing.”
The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, “Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!”
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare one day.
The girl approached the boy and said, “Hey Billy, want to play house?”
He said, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”
Sally replied, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”
“Communicate my feelings?” said a bewildered Billy… “I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl nodded and said, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”
A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marvels at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.
“Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”
“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”
“You sell them here?” the customer asks.
“Only $4 apiece,” says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.
“You didn’t eat enough, ” says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.
“Hey, Green,” he says, “you’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”
“You see?” says Green. “You’re smarter already.”
The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door.
After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.
“Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, “and then press the trigger to release the foam.”
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember?”
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin … and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.
“Labor charges!” she exclaimed. “It only took you five minutes.”
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
“Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor,” the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
Patients call the office manager at a pathology group to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that the manager describe every laboratory test on her statement.
Of course, she complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, she read, “Number 1, urinalysis.. .”
She interrupted me at once. “I’m a what?”
The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee.
“I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you’ve put AMAP down for required salary. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen that before, what does it mean?”
The applicant replied, “As Much as Possible!”
“Smiling has always been easier than explaining why you’re sad.”
As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months.
One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was trailing a frazzled mother with two active children, and I watched as she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case.
“If you don’t get off there right now,” she commanded, “I’m going to e-mail your father!”