Humor #268

On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference:

  • If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock.
  • If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.
  • If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
  • If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
  • If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.
  • If you are in the National Guard, it’s still a couple of hours until quitting time.”

—–

“Hello, hello?” shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. “Is this the SPCA?”

“Yes.”

“I want you to send somebody over right away.”

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my dog.”

—–

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.

The reply came back shortly: “Begin vacation as of yesterday.”

—–

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

—–

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.” I would do anything to pass this exam,” she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything…”

He returns her gaze, “Anything?”

“Anything.”

His voice softens, “Anything?”

“Anything,” she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you … study?”

—–

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, ‘I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?’

The blonde said, ‘I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.’

The milkman asked, ‘Do you want it pasteurized?’

The blonde said, ‘No, just up to my chest. I can splash it on my eyes.’

—–

A young preacher’s small church had limited facilities, so they held baptisms in a creek.  With alligators in the area, however, that was less than ideal.

Then a minister friend suggested he bring his next group of baptismal candidates to his church for a joint baptismal service.  Naturally, he accepted.

The baptismal pool had a clear front so the congregation could see everything.  When the baptisms were finished, curtains were drawn, and he was left alone in the pool for a moment.  The building had no air conditioning, and it was quite hot.  he thought how nice it would feel to take a little dip.  He glided to one end, turned, and backstroked to the other end.

Hearing a riotous uproar in the church, he looked toward the congregation.

The curtain was down only to the top of the glass!  An astonished and amused congregation had been watching his every move.

—–

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: “Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

“Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

—–

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.

As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, “Say, look at that big bunch of cows.”

The hired hand replied, “Not ‘bunch,’ but ‘herd.'”

“Heard what?”

“Herd of cows.”

“Sure, I’ve heard of cows…there’s a big bunch of ’em right over there.”

—–

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely.

“It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

—–

Part of the job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As she was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to her and said, “You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?”

“Yes,” she replied, “That is a good analogy.”

“I don’t know how to make egg rolls,”  another mother said anxiously.

“Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?”

—–

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