Humor #286

Reposting a favorite….

 If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbour’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It wouldbe nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Livening Up Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Load your plate up high; take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone says, in turn, what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.

3. Bring along old-recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal, turn to Mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

Humor #285

T-Shirt Slogans

“That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!” (Seen on an 8 year old)

“Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”

“Procrastinate Now.”

“My Dog Can Lick Anyone.”

“I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – Do You Want Fries With That?”

“FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.”

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.”

“Time’s fun when you’re having flies…Kermit the Frog.”

Happy Thanksgiving!

Greetings

I got the following from the Good Clean Funnies List (www.gcfl.net) and thought it would make the ideal Thanksgiving blessing this year.

How To Observe Thanksgiving

** Count your blessings instead of your crosses.

** Count your gains instead of your losses.

** Count your joys instead of your woes.

** Count your friends instead of your foes.

** Count your smiles instead of your tears.

** Count your courage instead of your fears.

** Count your full years instead of your lean.

** Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.

** Count your health instead of your wealth.

** Count on God instead of yourself.

May you have a great holiday and may your heart be filled with gratitude for all God has done for you and your family.

Blessings

Bob

Bless the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all His benefits. (Psalm 103:2)

Humor #284

What the Search Committee Really Means

Reading between the lines you hear on your candidating visit

Pastoral search committees have been known to be excellent spinmasters. In their attempts to land a pastor, they can say some revealing things about the church … if you know how to read between the lines. Here’s what PSC’s are likely to say, and what they really mean.

What the committee said: “We have a long and distinguished history as a congregation.” – What they meant: We haven’t done anything worth a hoot in the last decade.

“We don’t have stereotyped expectations for our pastor’s wife.” – She doesn’t have to play piano for junior church. But naturally, she’ll want to head up the women’s group.

“We want a pastor who’s an outstanding preacher, a compassionate counselor, a successful soul-winner, a gifted teacher, a strong motivator, and an efficient administrator.” – We have no clue what we want, but we suppose you’ll do.

“What is your philosophy of ministry?” – What tricks do you have to increase worship attendance?

“Our attendance has been declining, but our church has a lot of potential.” – You’re our last hope before we close the church doors.

“We want a pastor who can bring energy and life to worship.” – We need someone to get the organist to play the hymns faster.

“We plan to repair the parsonage just as soon as we get a new pastor.” – We plan to have our new pastor repair the parsonage.

“We think many former members will return if we get the right person as pastor.” – If you don’t get them back, it’s your fault.

“The chairman of our search committee has opened his home to you for your candidating weekend.” – Try to ignore the boa constrictor and nude pin-ups in his son’s room. You know how teenagers are.

“We’ll be happy to pay you for your moving expenses.” – Up to the budgeted $375.

“Don’t worry. We’ll be here to help you get acquainted with our church.” – We’ll watch you like a hawk, because we’re scared to death you might do something that will embarrass us.

“You’ll have two weeks of study leave and four weeks of vacation annually.” – And whenever you take any time away, someone will say he wishes HE had such an easy schedule.

“How much do you need to live on?” – That’ll be your salary for at least five years.

“As the church grows, your salary will grow, too.” – Fat chance!

“You won’t have to fight traffic getting to the office every morning.” – The parsonage is attached to the back of the sanctuary, and the baptistry doubles as your bathtub.

“We’re an easy bunch to work with.” – We’ll take is easy while you do the work.

James Dyet, David Goetz, Brian Larson, Mark Galli, Richard Doebler and Jim Berkley in Leadership, Vol. 13, no. 4.

Humor #283

Difficulty Getting Clean

New terms coined for everyday occurrences:

1. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

2. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

3. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man guy lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

4. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and in frustration sweep it under the rug.

6. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To attempt to sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

MikeysFunnies.com Newsletter (8-06-02); submitted by Mike Herman, Glen Ellyn, Illinois

Humor #282

Church is changing!

____________________

PASTOR: “The Lord be with you!”

CONGREGATION : And with your spirit”

PASTOR: “Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13.

And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon.”

P-a-u-s-e……

“Now, Let us pray committing this week into God’s hands.

Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God”

S-i-l-e-n-c-e

“As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready.”

“You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password ‘Lord909887.’

The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:

a. Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.

b. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.

c. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer your contributions to the church account.

The holy atmosphere of St. Matthew’s becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements.

a . This week’s ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don’t miss out.

b. Thursday’s Catechism Study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don’t miss out.

c. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counselling and prayers.

God bless and have a nice day.

And Jesus wept…..