Humor #294

Happy New Year!

“Resolutions – Seriously”

We all chuckle at not keeping New Year’s Resolutions but as you’ll see from some of these, a lack of self-control can really hurt you.

Here’s a look at someone’s New Year’s resolutions down through the years.

RESOLUTION #1:

2010: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

2011: I will read at least 10 books a year.

2012: I will read 5 books a year.

2013: I will finish The Pelican Brief

2014: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.

2015: I will read at least one article this year.

2016: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

 

RESOLUTION #2:

2010: I will get my weight down below 180.

2011: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2012: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2013: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2014: I will work out 5 days a week.

2015: I will work out 3 days a week.

2016: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

 

RESOLUTION #3:

2010: I will not spend my money frivolously.

2011: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

2012: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

2013: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2014.

2014: I will be totally out of debt by 2015.

2015: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2016.

2016: I will try to be out of the country by 2017.

 

RESOLUTION #4:

2013: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.

2014: I will not leave Marge.

2015: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.

2016: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

 

RESOLUTION #5:

2013: I will stop looking at other women.

2014: I will not get involved with Wanda.

2015: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.

2016: I will stop looking at other women.

 

RESOLUTION #6:

2013: I will not let my boss push me around.

2014: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.

2015: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.

2016: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

 

RESOLUTION #7:

2013: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.

2014: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.

2015: I will not get angry when Charlie tells the guys I wear a girdle.

2016: I will not speak to Charlie.

 

RESOLUTION #8:

2013: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.

2014: I will not touch the bottle before noon.

2015: I will not become a “problem drinker”.

2016: I will not miss any AA meetings.

 

RESOLUTION #9:

2013: I will see my dentist this year.

2014: I will have my cavities filled this year.

2015: I will have my root canal work done this year.

2016: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

 

RESOLUTION #10:

2013: I will go to church every Sunday.

2014: I will go to church as often as possible.

2015: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

2016: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

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Merry Christmas!

Just a quick note to wish everyone a joyous Christmas and a hope filled New Year!

Remember: Jesus is the Reason for the Season, so give thanks to God for His unspeakable gift. And to Jesus for Loving us so much He gave Himself for us that we might have new life in Him. He is the reason we can have hope.

A good passage to end the year and take into a new one.

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling,
And to present you faultless
Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy,
To God our Savior,
Who alone is wise,
Be glory and majesty,
Dominion and power,
Both now and forever.
Amen.

~~ Jude 24-25 (NKJV)

Our God is Able! Our God is Faithful! Our God is willing!

Blessings,

Bob Mac

 

Humor #293

Revised 12 Days of Christmas

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Humor #292

The other night, three-year-old Billy was showing the terracotta nativity scene in his living room to his stuffed dragon.

“This is an activity scene,” he said to the dragon.

“It’s when they put breakable things out to watch the Baby Jesus sleep.”

—–

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What Denomination?” Asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman.

“Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.

—–

There were two goobers who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,

“I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

—–

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.

In each card she wrote, “Buy your own present” and then sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk!

Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with “Buy your own present” written inside, but without the checks!

—–

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, “Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, “What is that?”

He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”

—–

In a small southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.’”

—–

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

—–

 

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $5 note lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??

Santa of course, the other two don’t exist!

—–

Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his Mommy, Daddy, brothers, sister, Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then lee paused, and everyone waited … and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

Humor #291

The Season of Advent was beginning, and I wanted to inform the children that, according the Bible, Jesus is coming twice, once as the baby in the manger, and then as King.

So I asked the children, “How did Jesus come the first time?”

One child answered, “Down the chimney.”

—–

A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a package of 50 cards without really looking at them.

Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading the message inside.

On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49 of her friends.

Much to her dismay, it read like this:

This card is just to say
A little gift is on the way.

Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.

—–

Here are some signs seen around Christmas time.

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Outside a church: “The original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelery store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000. Three for $200,000.”

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything. A calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

—–

Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect.
To Jesus, all.

—–

 

Last year at Christmas time, I dressed up in my Santa suit and after greeting my children, my wife asked the kids if they wanted to take Santa to a relative’s house.

They said yes.

So I got in the minivan and went to the relative’s house. While at their house, my son started misbehaving, so I said in the most bass voice I could muster.

“Son, you better behave or Santa won’t bring you any presents.”

My innocent 5 y/o son turned to my wife and said,

“Mommy Santa’s walking home.”

—–

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. (This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.) Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact.

“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,” the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah’s eyes grew big as her mother asked “Mrs. Claus” (really Sarah’s aunt; Santa’s real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah’s mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah’s uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, “What did Santa say to you, dear?”

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, “Santa said he won’t be bringing toys to my sister this year.”

—–

This guy goes into his dentist’s office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?”

“Well… the only thing I can think of is this… my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it… Hollandaise sauce she called it… and doctor, I’m talkin’ DELICIOUS! I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything… meat, fish, toast, vegetables… you name it!”

“That’s probably it,” replied the dentist “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I’ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time.”

“Why chrome?” the man asked.

“Well, everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

 

Humor #290

On one late night talk show, a panel of three university students were asked questions to test their intelligence. The questions ranged from naming famous politicians to pieces of art. Then the question was raised, “What were the names of Adam and Eve’s children?”

All of the students were silent. One girl finally responded, “Um, well, I didn’t even know they had children.”

—–

Parents were taking turns teaching their daughter Sarah how to ride a training-wheel bike. Every time mom went with her, Sarah would bounce on the seat. When she asked why she was doing that, Sarah replied, “Dad said.”

“You don’t need to bounce,” mom said, curious about her husband’s instructions.

The next time out, Sarah proceeded to bounce on the seat again, this time asking, “Do I still have to do this?” Puzzled, she said, “No, just keep riding.”

A few minutes later, trying to encourage her, mom said it would help if she could balance herself a little more. Without a word, Sarah began bouncing again.

 —–

A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing.  While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.

Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, “Just how long have you been waiting?”

—–

 A guy walks into a bar, approaches the barman, and asks, “Could I have a pint of Less, please?”

 “I’m sorry sir,” the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, “I’ve not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?”

“I’ve no idea,” replies the guy. “The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.”

—–

 Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said, “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

“Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

“This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife. I’m my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I’m my own grandfather!

“And you think you have family problems!”

—–

 A crippled republican in a wheel chair goes into a coffee bar and orders a cup of coffee. He notices over in the corner table sits Jesus looking very weary. The republican tells the baristas to also give a cup of coffee to Jesus and the republican will pay for it.

 Next a libertarian comes into the bar on crutches, pulls himself up to the bar and orders a cup of coffee. He also notices Jesus over in the corner and orders him a cup of coffee as well.

 Next a democrat comes into the bar limping and sits down at the bar and orders himself a tea. He too sees Jesus sitting in the corner and orders a tea for Jesus.

 Later Jesus comes over to the republican and places his hand on the republicans shoulder and thanks him for being so kind and he tells the republican that he is healed and can now walk. The republican thanks him and walks out of the bar. Jesus then goes over to the libertarian, places his hand on the libertarians shoulder and thanks him as well for his kindness and again tells the man that he is healed and can walk. The libertarian thanks Jesus and walks out of the bar. Jesus then starts to walk toward the democrat and the democrat says:

 DON’T TOUCH ME, I’M ON DISABILITY!!!!!!!!!

 —–

Here’s hoping there is no one like this at your workplace.

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

Humor #289

“Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.”

—–

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

—–

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are those machetes doing in your car?” asks the cop.

“I juggle them in my act.”

“Oh, yeah?” Says the doubtful cop. “Let’s see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

“Wow” says the passer-by. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!

 —–

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.  He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.

As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion.  By this time he had learned just the right things to say.  “It’s perfect!” he exclaimed.  “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”

Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out.  “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

—–

While driving my boys to swimming lessons, Michael, age eight, saw a book his dad had left in the car. He picked it up and read the title.

“What’s this book about?” he asked.

“It’s a book to help us become authentic Christians,” his mom replied.

He said, “Oh yea, that’s what we are, right, Mom! Pathetic Christians!”

—–

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery,” he answers.

“What did he say?” asks the nurse.

“OOPS!”

—–

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can.”

“To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman, “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each.”

—–