Humor #289

“Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.”

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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are those machetes doing in your car?” asks the cop.

“I juggle them in my act.”

“Oh, yeah?” Says the doubtful cop. “Let’s see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

“Wow” says the passer-by. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!

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Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.  He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.

As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion.  By this time he had learned just the right things to say.  “It’s perfect!” he exclaimed.  “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”

Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out.  “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

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While driving my boys to swimming lessons, Michael, age eight, saw a book his dad had left in the car. He picked it up and read the title.

“What’s this book about?” he asked.

“It’s a book to help us become authentic Christians,” his mom replied.

He said, “Oh yea, that’s what we are, right, Mom! Pathetic Christians!”

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Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery,” he answers.

“What did he say?” asks the nurse.

“OOPS!”

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A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can.”

“To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman, “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each.”

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