Humor #290

On one late night talk show, a panel of three university students were asked questions to test their intelligence. The questions ranged from naming famous politicians to pieces of art. Then the question was raised, “What were the names of Adam and Eve’s children?”

All of the students were silent. One girl finally responded, “Um, well, I didn’t even know they had children.”

—–

Parents were taking turns teaching their daughter Sarah how to ride a training-wheel bike. Every time mom went with her, Sarah would bounce on the seat. When she asked why she was doing that, Sarah replied, “Dad said.”

“You don’t need to bounce,” mom said, curious about her husband’s instructions.

The next time out, Sarah proceeded to bounce on the seat again, this time asking, “Do I still have to do this?” Puzzled, she said, “No, just keep riding.”

A few minutes later, trying to encourage her, mom said it would help if she could balance herself a little more. Without a word, Sarah began bouncing again.

 —–

A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing.  While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.

Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, “Just how long have you been waiting?”

—–

 A guy walks into a bar, approaches the barman, and asks, “Could I have a pint of Less, please?”

 “I’m sorry sir,” the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, “I’ve not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?”

“I’ve no idea,” replies the guy. “The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.”

—–

 Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said, “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

“Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

“This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife. I’m my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I’m my own grandfather!

“And you think you have family problems!”

—–

 A crippled republican in a wheel chair goes into a coffee bar and orders a cup of coffee. He notices over in the corner table sits Jesus looking very weary. The republican tells the baristas to also give a cup of coffee to Jesus and the republican will pay for it.

 Next a libertarian comes into the bar on crutches, pulls himself up to the bar and orders a cup of coffee. He also notices Jesus over in the corner and orders him a cup of coffee as well.

 Next a democrat comes into the bar limping and sits down at the bar and orders himself a tea. He too sees Jesus sitting in the corner and orders a tea for Jesus.

 Later Jesus comes over to the republican and places his hand on the republicans shoulder and thanks him for being so kind and he tells the republican that he is healed and can now walk. The republican thanks him and walks out of the bar. Jesus then goes over to the libertarian, places his hand on the libertarians shoulder and thanks him as well for his kindness and again tells the man that he is healed and can walk. The libertarian thanks Jesus and walks out of the bar. Jesus then starts to walk toward the democrat and the democrat says:

 DON’T TOUCH ME, I’M ON DISABILITY!!!!!!!!!

 —–

Here’s hoping there is no one like this at your workplace.

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

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