Humor #302

One of my all time favorites…

THE “MIDDLE WIFE”

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant: “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.”

“First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.”

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'” Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. “She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!'” (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

“My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my mom to lie down in bed like this.” (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

“And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!” (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

“Then the middle wife starts saying ‘Push, push” and “Breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.”

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another “Middle Wife” comes along.

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Humor #301

A factory owner said to a store owner, “Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you.”

“Wow, it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” admitted Smith. “You know that I argue every bill and always pay late.”

The factory owner said, “I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred.”

 —–

A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.

As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, “Okay God! Let’er go!”

—–

 Two teenagers were on a tour of a modern art gallery. They suddenly found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture and were staring at the twisted pipes, broken glass, and tangled shapes.

One of them exclaimed, “We had better get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place!”

 —–

 A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

“Oh, we’ll never need that.  My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained.

“He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.”

“He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”

—–

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day.
Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck’s bed. They’ll pay in food, which is exactly what I like best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of Middle Eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That’s right: A pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

—–
These are actual (supposedly) comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite…)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9.. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

Thoughts on God’s Faithfulness in Temptation

One of my favorite verses in dealing with temptation is 1 Corinthians 10:13:

No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. (NKJV)

 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. (NLT)

All temptations we face are common to all mankind. Our temptations may seem different than most others, even unique, but the bottom line is they’re the same, they’re common.

And the blessing is that GOD IS FAITHFUL in the midst of our temptations as well as when things are fine. He is faithfully present always with us (I’ll never leave you or forsake you. Hebrews 13:5, Deuteronomy 31:6) (God is a very present help in time of need. Psalm 46:1).

He is there with us to strengthen us with His grace. Jesus knows what we are going through. He went through it Himself, yet without sin (Hebrews 2:18, Hebrews 4:15-16). Hebrews 4:16 tells us to boldly come before the throne of grace that we might obtain mercy and find help in time of need. God wants us to call on Him so that He can release His mercy and grace to help. It’s there but we have to take advantage of it and receive it.

 He is faithful in that we won’t be tempted above our ability to resist it (“more than we can stand” as the NLT says). How is that possible? In my past, I gave in almost instantly, it seemed, and now I hear that I can resist it? Overcome it.?

Yes, you can learn to resist temptation. You will learn that “in Christ” you have died to sin (Romans 6:2, 11; 1 Peter 2:24). Sin has lost its power. You don’t have to do it.

When we come to realize that we are caught in a sinful habit we learn we have no power within ourselves to overcome it. But as we grow in Christ and learn what He has done for us on the cross, we find that we can say no to temptation and sin. But it is a learning process. Just as a baby learns to walk, we, too, need to learn to walk in newness of life concerning our new life in Christ  and God’s purposes for us.

 When we are “in Christ” we’re new creatures (2 Corinthians 5:17), we’re born again (John 3:7, 1 Peter 1:23). We were dead in our trespasses and sin BUT GOD made us alive in Christ, saving us by His grace and forgiving us all of our sins (Ephesians 2:4-5, Colossians 2:13).

 In the beginning we are babes in Christ (1 Corinthians 3:1). But we can grow. We will grow as we are in Bible reading and studying, prayer, church attendance, small group involvement, etc. It doesn’t happen overnight, BUT GOD IS FAITHFUL! It is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure (Phil 2:16). And the good work He has begun He is faithful to continue until it is complete (Phil 1:9).

 And He faithfully provides a way of escape. Sometimes that means fleeing lust (2 Tim 2:22) (turn & run the other way towards God).

 Another way is to renew our minds. Roman 12:2 tells us to not be conformed any longer to this world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind. Our natural mind, the old nature, is wired for lustful pleasure, sin & rebellion. But we can renew our mind (retrain it) through the power of God’s Word, His grace and Holy Spirit.

 Renewing our minds can involve memorizing Bible verses (Your word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against You. Ps 119:11). Also knowing “who we are in Christ.” That is, to know what God says about us.

 Another way is to know the love us God for us and to know Jesus’ love for us. (God so loved the world that He gave us His Son Jesus. John 3:16) (Jesus loved us and gave Himself for us (Galatians 1:3-4, 2:20-21; Ephesians 5:1-2, among others).

 One of the first lessons I learned in facing my habitual sin was that there is nothing I can do that will change the love of God for me. I can’t get Him to love me anymore, or cause Him to love me any less. He proved His eternal, unchanging love for me in Jesus Christ

 The more we grow in the knowledge and grace of God the more we’ll trust Him. And when temptation comes we will more and more choose to honor God and His love, rather than to give into sin.

 Another way is to humble ourselves before God. James 4:7-8 says:

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he’ll flee from you. Draw near to God and He’ll draw near to you.

1 Peter 5:6-7 says:

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

Hebrews 4:17 says:

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (NKJV)

 So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. (NLT)

But if (and when) we sin, GOD IS FAITHFULLY there  with His mercy and grace to pick us up and let us continue in our walk with Him as we confess and repent of our sin. In John’s first epistle we find:

My little children, these things I write to you, so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. And He Himself is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the whole world. (1 John 2:1-2)

 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

Remember this promise of God – that He is faithful in the midst of temptation. Memorize it. Mull it over in your mind. Believe God, trust Him. Greater is He who is in you than He who is in the world (1 John 4:4). Christ in us is our hope of glory (Colossians 1:28).

 May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord. (2 Peter 1:2 NLT)

 

Blessings
Bob MacPherson

 

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits.

 

NKJV = the New King James version of the Bible.
NLT = the New Living Translation version of the Bible

Humor #300

While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his “hearing aid” was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

“How does that help your hearing?” I asked.

“Don’t help my hearing none,” he replied.  “Makes people talk louder.”

—–

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with “1 John 4:18” which reads “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake “John 4:18” … “for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.”

 —–

Before our daughter went off to college, our family took a vacation in Colorado, flying to Denver and renting a car. We visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, which is more than 1,000 feet above the Arkansas River.

Walking out onto the bridge, I noticed it swayed in the wind. Then a car went past us, and the wood-plank roadway moved beneath my feet.

“I don’t think I want to drive the car across this bridge,” I finally said.

“What are you worried about?” our blonde daughter replied. “It’s a rental.”

—–

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.

Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.

I sat there at the pickup window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, “I’m sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!”

—–

 I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast.

 —–

 I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

 —–

 Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

“Sure you can, Mickey,” Charlie said. “Just flap your arms really hard.”

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, “What happened?”

Charlie said, “I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything he’s told.”

—–

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted: “Don’t worry, Freddy! It’s just a stage you’re going through!”

—–

 Jill: I just don’t understand the attraction golf holds for men.

Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!

Jill: Well, I’m sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?

Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions . . . like, “Why did you hit the ball into that lake?”

Humor #299

 Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’

—–

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. That’s a hardware issue.

—–

 My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said my dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

—–

 Winter Morning

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen.”

Her husband texts back: “Pour some lukewarm water over it.”

The wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer completely messed up now.”

—–

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip.

Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked.

I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced,

“Children, this is the captain speaking.  Don’t make me stop this airplane and come back there!”

—–

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: “No, sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving … on the other side?”

—–

Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah’s ark. On the way home, Willy asked, “Do you think Noah did much fishing?”

“How could he?” said Billy. “He only had two worms.”

—–

A young man had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you.  You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the young man came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get a haircut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that.  You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

 —–

After an hour of “Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white,” the paint- store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.

“Now what do I do if I need more paint?” I asked.

“Don’t come back here,” he begged.

Humor #298

I met my wife-to-be, Sandy, during missionary training. For two years we kept the long-distance relationship alive on different sides of the world.

Toward the end of our terms, I popped the question, and Sandy accepted.

I wrote her father, whom I had never met: “I would like permission to marry your daughter and for your blessing on the marriage.”

His response still tickles Sandy and me: “You have my permission and my blessing, but remember, there is no refund on mail-order brides!”

—–

 One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.

 For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

 The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.

 Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

 The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

 —–

 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?

 —–

 If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

 —–

 A pastor awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there but knew he had to get rid of it. He called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.

In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what could be done.

The mayor must have been having a bad day. “Why bother me?” he asked. “You’re a preacher; it’s your job to bury the dead.”

The pastor lost his cool, “Yes,” he snapped, “but I thought I should at least notify the next of kin.”

—–

 Teacher: There will be an eclipse of the moon tonight. Perhaps your parents will let you stay up to watch it.

Pupil: What channel is it on?

—–

 The Manhattan Commuter train was packed.  Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor.  Most necks were craned.  One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up.  He then asked, “Did anyone drop a half dollar?”

“I did,” answered three men at once.

“Well,” said the elderly gent with a smile, “here’s a dime of it.”

—–

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion.

The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”

The second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman continued “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”

Again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman boasted “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the second woman commented “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

The second woman replied “My husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cried “land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”

The second woman responded, “So that instead of saying ‘who cares?’, I learned to say ‘Well, isn’t that nice.'”

—–

A little girl returned home from Sunday school and proudly announced she had memorized a new Bible verse. “Eat carrots for me,” she recited.

The confused mother called the Sunday school teacher for an explanation. She discovered the verse was (1 Peter 5:7): “He careth for me.”

Humor #297

While going door to door, introducing myself as a candidate for City Council, anything can happen. But this was quite a surprise:

At one house a man opened his door as he was restraining a large dog by its collar. I told him who I was and why I was at his door.

Out of habit, I reached forward to shake hands. The dog suddenly jumped, lunged and sank his teeth right through my finger.

The man apologized, saying “Well, I guess I’ll HAVE to vote for you now.”

 —–

After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people’s hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one.

By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, “How long, Lord? How long?”

Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. “Ma’am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you,” he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him.

Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out.

The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, “Praise the Lord!” and ran inside.

—–

 Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

 One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

 The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!”

 The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.” She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?!”

 —–

 If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around, is he still wrong?

 —–

 A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!” 

 —–

A schoolteacher asked her primary class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.

There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; “The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat.”

 —–

 Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. “What will you do if I die before you do?” Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?”

He replied, “Probably the same thing.”

 —–

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school. 

Her mother, very interested, asks:  “Oh… How did it go?”

“I was ashamed!” she answers.  “Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies.  Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.  Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed.”

“No… but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”

—–

“Dad, where did I come from?” asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained everything to his son.

 When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, “I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from.”