Humor #296

A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded.

A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced:

“We’re sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we’re having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly.”

—–

 Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, ‘You need to join the Army of the Lord!’

Jack replied, ‘I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.’

Pastor questioned, ‘How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?’

He whispered back, ‘I’m in the secret service.’

—–

 When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. 

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!” When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly. 

 Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

 —–

 After receiving the news that their new grandson had been born, both sets of grandparents arrived at the hospital together. Just getting out of the car was quite an ordeal since all four were in various stages of recovery from knee operations and hip replacements.

 As the foursome hobbled towards the hospital entrance, brandishing canes and walkers, one grandmother quipped, “Mercy! I hope they don’t admit us before we get to the maternity ward.”

—–

 Five-year-old Barbara had disobeyed mom and had been sent to her room. After a few minutes, mom went in to talk with her about what she had done. Teary-eyed, she asked, “Why do we do wrong things, Mommy?”

“Sometimes the devil tells us to do something wrong,” mom replied, “and we listen to him. We need to listen to God instead.”

To which she sobbed, “But God doesn’t talk loud enough!”

 —–

 My neighbor was bitten by a stray, rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn’t have to worry about a will.

He said, “Will? What will? I’m making a list of the people I want to bite.”

—–

 A disappointed soft drink salesman returned from his Middle East assignment. His boss asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very sure to make a good sales pitch as our product was virtually unknown there. I didn’t know to speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the message through three posters. My first poster was a man crawling through the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our soft drink and third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place”

“That should have worked,” said the boss.

The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, but I didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left.”

—–

 Our family was dazzled by the sights and the bustling crowds during a visit to Manhattan. “This is the city that never sleeps,” I told my eleven-year-old daughter.

“That’s probably because there’s a Starbucks on every corner,” she observed.

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