Humor #297

While going door to door, introducing myself as a candidate for City Council, anything can happen. But this was quite a surprise:

At one house a man opened his door as he was restraining a large dog by its collar. I told him who I was and why I was at his door.

Out of habit, I reached forward to shake hands. The dog suddenly jumped, lunged and sank his teeth right through my finger.

The man apologized, saying “Well, I guess I’ll HAVE to vote for you now.”

 —–

After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people’s hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one.

By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, “How long, Lord? How long?”

Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. “Ma’am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you,” he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him.

Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out.

The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, “Praise the Lord!” and ran inside.

—–

 Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

 One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

 The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!”

 The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.” She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?!”

 —–

 If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around, is he still wrong?

 —–

 A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!” 

 —–

A schoolteacher asked her primary class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.

There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; “The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat.”

 —–

 Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. “What will you do if I die before you do?” Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?”

He replied, “Probably the same thing.”

 —–

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school. 

Her mother, very interested, asks:  “Oh… How did it go?”

“I was ashamed!” she answers.  “Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies.  Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.  Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed.”

“No… but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”

—–

“Dad, where did I come from?” asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained everything to his son.

 When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, “I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from.”

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