Humor #298

I met my wife-to-be, Sandy, during missionary training. For two years we kept the long-distance relationship alive on different sides of the world.

Toward the end of our terms, I popped the question, and Sandy accepted.

I wrote her father, whom I had never met: “I would like permission to marry your daughter and for your blessing on the marriage.”

His response still tickles Sandy and me: “You have my permission and my blessing, but remember, there is no refund on mail-order brides!”

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 One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.

 For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

 The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.

 Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

 The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

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 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?

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 If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

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 A pastor awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there but knew he had to get rid of it. He called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.

In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what could be done.

The mayor must have been having a bad day. “Why bother me?” he asked. “You’re a preacher; it’s your job to bury the dead.”

The pastor lost his cool, “Yes,” he snapped, “but I thought I should at least notify the next of kin.”

—–

 Teacher: There will be an eclipse of the moon tonight. Perhaps your parents will let you stay up to watch it.

Pupil: What channel is it on?

—–

 The Manhattan Commuter train was packed.  Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor.  Most necks were craned.  One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up.  He then asked, “Did anyone drop a half dollar?”

“I did,” answered three men at once.

“Well,” said the elderly gent with a smile, “here’s a dime of it.”

—–

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion.

The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”

The second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman continued “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”

Again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman boasted “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the second woman commented “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

The second woman replied “My husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cried “land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”

The second woman responded, “So that instead of saying ‘who cares?’, I learned to say ‘Well, isn’t that nice.'”

—–

A little girl returned home from Sunday school and proudly announced she had memorized a new Bible verse. “Eat carrots for me,” she recited.

The confused mother called the Sunday school teacher for an explanation. She discovered the verse was (1 Peter 5:7): “He careth for me.”

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