Humor #299

 Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’

—–

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. That’s a hardware issue.

—–

 My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said my dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

—–

 Winter Morning

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen.”

Her husband texts back: “Pour some lukewarm water over it.”

The wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer completely messed up now.”

—–

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip.

Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked.

I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced,

“Children, this is the captain speaking.  Don’t make me stop this airplane and come back there!”

—–

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: “No, sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving … on the other side?”

—–

Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah’s ark. On the way home, Willy asked, “Do you think Noah did much fishing?”

“How could he?” said Billy. “He only had two worms.”

—–

A young man had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you.  You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the young man came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get a haircut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that.  You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

 —–

After an hour of “Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white,” the paint- store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.

“Now what do I do if I need more paint?” I asked.

“Don’t come back here,” he begged.

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