Humor #300

While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his “hearing aid” was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

“How does that help your hearing?” I asked.

“Don’t help my hearing none,” he replied.  “Makes people talk louder.”

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A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with “1 John 4:18” which reads “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake “John 4:18” … “for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.”

 —–

Before our daughter went off to college, our family took a vacation in Colorado, flying to Denver and renting a car. We visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, which is more than 1,000 feet above the Arkansas River.

Walking out onto the bridge, I noticed it swayed in the wind. Then a car went past us, and the wood-plank roadway moved beneath my feet.

“I don’t think I want to drive the car across this bridge,” I finally said.

“What are you worried about?” our blonde daughter replied. “It’s a rental.”

—–

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.

Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.

I sat there at the pickup window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, “I’m sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!”

—–

 I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast.

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 I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

 —–

 Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

“Sure you can, Mickey,” Charlie said. “Just flap your arms really hard.”

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, “What happened?”

Charlie said, “I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything he’s told.”

—–

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted: “Don’t worry, Freddy! It’s just a stage you’re going through!”

—–

 Jill: I just don’t understand the attraction golf holds for men.

Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!

Jill: Well, I’m sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?

Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions . . . like, “Why did you hit the ball into that lake?”

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