Humor #310

Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting’ on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

“I’m gonna do that when I win the lottery,” said Bubba.

“Do what?” asked Johnny Ray.

“Send my grass out to be mowed,” answered Bubba.

—–

Kid Quotes

“Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals.” – Donna Maria G, age 9

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you.” – Rob P, age 8

“If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it.” – Steven B, age 8

“Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God’s Bill of Wrongs.” – Susie F., age 7

“Doctors automatically know what’s wrong with you. They have a sick sense.” – Beau M., age 10

—–

One of the things a parent asked her children to do is pick up any branches or sticks in the yard. She could tell her six-year-old daughter was tiring of the chore when they were driving through town and she asked, “Mom, how do all these other people keep the sticks on their trees?”

—–

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said.  “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

—–

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic “When I die I’ll get it on my way up.” chuckled the old man.

Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. “I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!” said the old woman.

—–

Jack’s mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl’s grip and said comfortingly to Jack, “There, there. She didn’t mean it. She doesn’t know that hurts.”

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, “What happened?”

“She knows now,” Jack replied.

—–

A skeleton walks down empty Main Street. Suddenly he sees another skeleton carrying a gravestone. “Hey, what are you doing?” the other skeleton answers “Just strolling”.

“Why do have the gravestone, buddy?”

“Because I always want to have some ID”.

—–

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?”

“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”

—–

Advertisement

Humor #309

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him “excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?”

The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn’t salty, there are a ton of hungry fish.”

They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other “fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty.”

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. “Nope. Still salty.” 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.

“Nope, still salty.” One our later they check again. “Nope. Still salty.”

“This isn’t good,” the fisherman finally says. “We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!”

“I know,” says the other. “And the bucket is almost empty!”

—–

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled.

“Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

—–

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard.

“Jeb says we’re gonna need some 4 x 2’s” Jethro tells the yardman.

“Do you mean 2 x 4’s?” asks the yardman.

“Well, I don’t rightly know, I better go ask Jeb” says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

“Jeb says we’re gonna need 2 x 4’s” Jethro tells the yardman.

“Now, how many 2 x 4’s will you need?” asks the yardman.

“Well, I don’t rightly know, I better go ask Jeb.” says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

“Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of ’em” Jethro tells the yardman.

“Now, how long will you need them?” asks the yardman.

“Well, I don’t rightly know, I better go ask Jeb” says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, “Jeb says you better give ’em to us for a while . . . we’re gonna build a barn.”

—–

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.

When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

“Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother asked.

“I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:

“Don’t get excited, Ma, I used the old one!”

—–

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

—–

It’s 2012 and it’s the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven’t got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. “McTavish, Scotland,” he says, “Discus,” and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. “Waddington-Smythe, England,” he says, “Pole vault,” and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. “O’Malley, Ireland,” he says: “Fencing.”

—–

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, “Yes, Sir!” Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her “Sir”.

“You would say, ‘yes sir,’ to a man, I am a lady, and you would say ‘Yes Ma’am,’ to a lady,” Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, “What would you say to Daddy?”

“Yes Sir!” was the reply

“Then what would you say to Mama?”

“Yes, Ma’am!” he proudly answered.

“Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?”

He lit up and said, “Can I have a cookie?”

 

Humor #308

“How are you getting on with your exams?”

“Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!”

—–

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said, “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.”

The Taxi driver said, “It’s not your fault sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver.

I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!”

—–

Recently, I tried something different in our worship service. Instead of preaching at the end, I did it first, with music, the offering, and Scripture reading afterward.

As I stood behind the pulpit, I could see people getting ready for the offering, until they realized I was starting my message.

Caitlyn, a first grader in the congregation, was perplexed by this change of routine, and whispered frantically to her mom, “Doesn’t he know we haven’t paid him to talk yet?”

—Gordon Wood, Ellison Bay, Wisconsin, “Kids of the Kingdom,” Christian Reader

—–

The County Highway Commissioner was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful knee injury, he decided to take advantage of the hospital’s Valet Parking. As he exited his car, a young man with the Valet Parking Company, comes up and asks if this was a government vehicle.

“Yes,” the Commissioner replied, surprised by the question. “In fact it’s an unmarked police car.”

“Wow!” the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. “This will be the first time I’ve been in the front seat.”

—–

As a new grandmother, I am very protective of my daughter Meredith’s baby girl. One cool afternoon I dropped by to see my grandchild. Meredith and a friend had taken little Allison for a walk in her stroller and were just coming up the street.

As soon as they reached me, I bent down to admire Allison and, in my fussiest voice, remarked, “Your little head is cold. You should have a hat on.”

My daughter looked knowingly at her friend and said, “You owe me ten bucks.”

—–

In an attempt to develop better eating habits, a family began eating “turkey franks,” “turkey ham,” “turkey bacon,” and “turkey burgers.” When Thanksgiving came, mom made a beautiful traditional dinner with all the trimmings. But only after her husband started to carve the bird did she realize how health-conscious they had become when their ten-year-old asked, “Mom, is this real turkey or ‘turkey turkey’?”

—–

The best answer to the question asked in an interview, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time?” . . .

“In the mirror as always . . ”

—–

 

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.”

 

Humor #307

An expert witness in the healthcare profession has come across the following quotes from actual medical records dictated by physicians. For you MDs, excuse me!

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

* Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient has no past history of suicides.

* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

* Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

* The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

* The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

* The patient refused an autopsy.

 

Humor #306

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’

After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director.

The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers.

With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

—–

A Sunday school teacher said to the children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”

One child blurted out, “Aces!”

—–

After trying to for hours to get my daughters to clean their room, I burst in and yelled,

“GET THIS ROOM CLEAN NOW, BEFORE I HAVE A COW!!!”

My youngest daughter (3 years old) looked at me with a very puzzled expression and said,

“You mean you’re going to get rid of us and have a cow instead?”

—–

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel.

She began to interview young lawyers. “As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

—–

The girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.

“I did?  What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said.  “Surely there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

—–

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you’ll be a mile away and have their shoes!

—–

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he’d meet and so on.

Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

Next morning when she woke him up, he asked “What for?” She told him it was time to get ready for school.

“What? Again?” he asked.

 

Humor #305

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS

We will no longer accept your doctors’ statements as proof.

We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY

We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY

In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour’s leave without pay.

DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.

This new benefit program started yesterday.

The Management

 

Humor #304

Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry a red Magic Marker?

A: In case she has to draw blood.

—–

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.

“Oh yes” he said. “They‘re my friends.”

“In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”

“Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously

—–

An old man is afraid that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, “Can you hear me?” She didn’t answer.

He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer.

Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, “for the third time yes!!!”

—–

Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”

—–

Poor old Bob sent his photograph off to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely

—–

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

—–

Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, “Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on.

A moment later, the second man said, “Pass the sugar, sugar!” This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun.

He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, “Pass the tea, bag!”

—–

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.

—–

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, “Hey, Mom, what’s this?”

“Oh, that’s an old typewriter,” she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

“Well, what does it do?” they queried.

“I’ll show you,” their mother said. She went downstairs and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

“WOW!” the boys exclaimed, “That’s really cool — but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?”

“There is no plug,” she answered. “It doesn’t need a plug.”

“Then where do you put the batteries?” they persisted.

“It doesn’t need batteries either,” she continued.

“Wow! This is so cool!” the brothers exclaimed. “Someone should have invented this a long time ago!”

 

Humor #303

An Antartian died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with “T”.

2. How many seconds are in a year?

3. What is God’s first name?

The Antartian thought for a few minutes and answered…

1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard.”

Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it’s not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.

But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God’s first name was either Andy or Howard?”

The Antartian replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc….”

“OK, I give,” said Saint Peter, “but what about the God’s first name stuff?”

The Antartian said, “Well, from the song….Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own…, and the prayer…Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name….”

Saint Peter let him in without another word.