Humor #306

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’

After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director.

The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers.

With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

—–

A Sunday school teacher said to the children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”

One child blurted out, “Aces!”

—–

After trying to for hours to get my daughters to clean their room, I burst in and yelled,

“GET THIS ROOM CLEAN NOW, BEFORE I HAVE A COW!!!”

My youngest daughter (3 years old) looked at me with a very puzzled expression and said,

“You mean you’re going to get rid of us and have a cow instead?”

—–

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel.

She began to interview young lawyers. “As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

—–

The girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.

“I did?  What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said.  “Surely there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

—–

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you’ll be a mile away and have their shoes!

—–

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he’d meet and so on.

Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

Next morning when she woke him up, he asked “What for?” She told him it was time to get ready for school.

“What? Again?” he asked.

 

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