Humor #308

“How are you getting on with your exams?”

“Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!”

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A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said, “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.”

The Taxi driver said, “It’s not your fault sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver.

I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!”

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Recently, I tried something different in our worship service. Instead of preaching at the end, I did it first, with music, the offering, and Scripture reading afterward.

As I stood behind the pulpit, I could see people getting ready for the offering, until they realized I was starting my message.

Caitlyn, a first grader in the congregation, was perplexed by this change of routine, and whispered frantically to her mom, “Doesn’t he know we haven’t paid him to talk yet?”

—Gordon Wood, Ellison Bay, Wisconsin, “Kids of the Kingdom,” Christian Reader

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The County Highway Commissioner was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful knee injury, he decided to take advantage of the hospital’s Valet Parking. As he exited his car, a young man with the Valet Parking Company, comes up and asks if this was a government vehicle.

“Yes,” the Commissioner replied, surprised by the question. “In fact it’s an unmarked police car.”

“Wow!” the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. “This will be the first time I’ve been in the front seat.”

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As a new grandmother, I am very protective of my daughter Meredith’s baby girl. One cool afternoon I dropped by to see my grandchild. Meredith and a friend had taken little Allison for a walk in her stroller and were just coming up the street.

As soon as they reached me, I bent down to admire Allison and, in my fussiest voice, remarked, “Your little head is cold. You should have a hat on.”

My daughter looked knowingly at her friend and said, “You owe me ten bucks.”

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In an attempt to develop better eating habits, a family began eating “turkey franks,” “turkey ham,” “turkey bacon,” and “turkey burgers.” When Thanksgiving came, mom made a beautiful traditional dinner with all the trimmings. But only after her husband started to carve the bird did she realize how health-conscious they had become when their ten-year-old asked, “Mom, is this real turkey or ‘turkey turkey’?”

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The best answer to the question asked in an interview, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time?” . . .

“In the mirror as always . . ”

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“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.”

 

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