Humor #318

12 Reasons Why A Local Minister Stopped Attending Sports Events

12) Every time I went, they asked me for money.

11) The people I had to sit with didn’t seem very friendly.

10) The seats were very hard.

9) The coach never came to call on me.

8) The referee made a decision I couldn’t agree with.

7) I had to sit with some hypocrites who were only there to see what others were wearing.

6) Some games went into overtime and I was late getting home.

5) The band played some songs I had never heard before.

4) The games are scheduled when I want to do other things.

3) I don’t want to take my children because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.

2) My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.

1) Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches, anyhow.

From the book _Holy Humor_ by Cal & Rose Samra.

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Humor #317

Funny Puns and One-Liners

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Humor #316

If You Love Something Variations

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:

If you love something,
Set it free…
If it comes back, it’s yours;
If it doesn’t, it never was yours.

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:

If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours;
If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:

If you love somebody,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:

If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:

If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION:

If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait
until she comes back …

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:

If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again. Repeat

THE LAWYER’S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…

THE BILL GATES VERSION:

If you love somebody,
Set her free…
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN’S VERSION:

If you love somebody,
Set her free…
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high;
If she doesn’t, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:

If you love somebody
don’t ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION:

If you love somebody
set her free…
instantaneously…
and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST’S VERSION:

If you love somebody
set her free…
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant;
If she doesn’t come, back her id is supreme;
If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:

If you love somebody
set her free…
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans;
If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION:

If you love somebody
set her free…
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty;
If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new markets.

Humor #315

Farmer Comeback

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. When the salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer exclaimed, “This isn’t the price I saw!”

The salesman went on to tell the farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what raised the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, “My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?”

The farmer said, “Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 a piece. Come look at them and take your pick.”

The salesman and his son appeared a short while later and after spending a few hours in the field checking out all the cows the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said, “Now, wait a minute, that’s not the final price of the cow. You’re getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too.”

“What extras?” asked the salesman.

The farmer then handed him the following list:

BASIC COW…………………………$500.00
Two tone exterior…………………..$45.00
Extra stomach……………………….$75.00
Product storing equipment…….$60.00
Straw compartment……………….$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea……………….$40.00
Leather upholstery…………………$125.00
Dual horns…………………………….$45.00
Automatic fly swatter……………..$38.00
fertilizer attachment……………….$185.00
GRAND TOTAL…………………..$1,233.00

Humor #314

School Best Sellers

Walking To School The First Day Back
by Misty Bus

The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me
by I. Rhoda Bike

Can’t See The Chalkboard
by Sidney Backrow

Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School
by Major Crackupp

What I Dislike About Returning To School
by Mona Lott

Making It Through The First Week Of School
by Gladys Saturday

Is Life Over When Summer Ends?
by Midas Welbee

What I Love About Returning To School
by I. M. Kidding

Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?
by I. Betty Wont

What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School
by U. Will Gettitt

Humor #313

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. “I’d like a little brother,” the boy said.

“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?”

“Well,” said the boy, “there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”

——

When the man came home, his wife was crying. “Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed.

“My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?” the man asked.

“I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.”

“And?”

“At the end of the letter she had written:

P.S. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.”

—–

Men Vs. Women Joke

MAN:

1) Pull up to machine

2) Wind window down

3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN

4) Retrieve cash

5) Drive away

WOMAN:

1) Pull up to machine

2) Open door (too far away from machine)

3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card

4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair

5) Insert Card

6) Remove card

7) Insert card the correct way up

8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it

9) Enter PIN

10) Enter correct PIN

11) Retrieve cash, put in bag

12) Drive off

13) Reverse back to machine

14) Retrieve card

15) Drive three miles away

16) Release hand-brake

 

Humor #312

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.

“$50.00 for three questions,” replied the lawyer.

“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what is your third question?”

—–

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.

“The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” lamented the father, “is that I know he never cheated during his exams.”

—–

What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs?

Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

—–

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Alex.’

‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, what is this?’

The pastor said, ‘Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?’

—–

Joe: “This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.”

Sam: “I bet you were mad.”

Joe: “Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!”

—–

Advent was one week away so we thought we’d see what the children remembered from our family devotions the year before. “Who can tell me what the four candles in the Advent wreath represent?” I asked.

Luke jumped in with seven-year-old wisdom and exuberance. “There’s love, joy, peace, and … and … ”

“I know!” six-year-old Elise interrupted to finish her brother’s sentence: “Peace and quiet!”

—–

For months he had been her devoted admirer.  Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:

“There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” he began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being — a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes.  Then she nodded in agreement.

Finally, she responded, “I think its a great idea!  Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?”

—–

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, “Honey, are you ready yet?”

Shouting back, the woman replies, “For crying out loud, Dewey, I’ve been telling you for the last half hour… I’ll be ready in a minute!”

—–