Humor #312

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.

“$50.00 for three questions,” replied the lawyer.

“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what is your third question?”

—–

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.

“The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” lamented the father, “is that I know he never cheated during his exams.”

—–

What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs?

Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Alex.’

‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, what is this?’

The pastor said, ‘Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?’

—–

Joe: “This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.”

Sam: “I bet you were mad.”

Joe: “Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!”

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Advent was one week away so we thought we’d see what the children remembered from our family devotions the year before. “Who can tell me what the four candles in the Advent wreath represent?” I asked.

Luke jumped in with seven-year-old wisdom and exuberance. “There’s love, joy, peace, and … and … ”

“I know!” six-year-old Elise interrupted to finish her brother’s sentence: “Peace and quiet!”

—–

For months he had been her devoted admirer.  Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:

“There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” he began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being — a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes.  Then she nodded in agreement.

Finally, she responded, “I think its a great idea!  Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?”

—–

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, “Honey, are you ready yet?”

Shouting back, the woman replies, “For crying out loud, Dewey, I’ve been telling you for the last half hour… I’ll be ready in a minute!”

—–

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