Humor #334

A Brokxn Kxy

Evxn though my typxwritxr is an old modxl, it works quitx wxll xxcxpt for onx of the kxys. I havx many timxs wishxd that it workxd pxrfxctly.

It is trux that thxrx arx forty-onx kxys that function wxll xnough, but just onx kxy not working makxs thx diffxrxncx.

Somxtimxs it sxxms to mx that our church is somxthing likx my typxwritxr — not all thx kxy pxoplx arx working propxrly.

As onx of thxm, you may say to yoursxlf, “Wxll, I am only onx pxrson, I don’t makx or brxak thx church.”

But it doxs makx a big diffxrxncx, bxcasx a church, to bx xffxctivx, nxxds thx activx participation of xvxry pxrson.

So, thx nxxt timx your xfforts arx not nxxdxd vxry much, rxmxmbxr my typxwritxr and say to yoursxlf, “I am a kxy pxrson in thx congrxgation and I am nxxdxd vxry much.”

This is what happxns to thx wholx church, and multiply this by many timxs — thx whole thing just doxs not makx sxnsx!

So, don’t be a broken key – be a useful one.

– Author Unknown

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Humor #333

Games Old People Play

1. Sag, you’re It.

2. Hide and go wee.

3. Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

 

Humor #332

Newspaper Corrections

A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it’s surprising there aren’t more mistakes.

When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version. Here just a few samples:

1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words “state zip code” should have read “pull rip cord.”
2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
4. From a California bar association’s newsletter: Correction — the following          typo appeared in our last bulletin: “Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m.” Please        correct to read “12 noon.”

5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.
6. In Frank Washburn’s March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.
7. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
8. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners’ clothing is rent — that is, torn — not rented.
9. In the City Beat section of Friday’s paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is “Dewey.” Another firefighter is nicknamed “Weirdo.” We apologize for our mistake.
10. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler’s Mother, not Hitler’s, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.
11. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
12. Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.
13. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
14. Apology: I originally wrote, “Woodrow Wilson’s wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House.” I’m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word “sheep.”
15. In one edition of today’s Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley’s Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
16. The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

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Humor #331

Toy Disclaimers

Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

Some dismemberment may occur.

In case of breakage, scream until Dad buys a replacement.

Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.

Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

Humor #330

Boomer Songs Re-released

Hey Baby Boomers! Some of our old favorites have been re-released. The following songs are on a new album called “Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies.”

Paul Simon–“Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”

Carly Simon–“You’re So Varicose Vein”

The Bee Gees–“How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”

Roberta Flack–“The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”

Johnny Nash–“I Can’t See Clearly Now”

The Temptations–“Papa Got a Kidney Stone”

Nancy Sinatra–“These Boots Are Made For Bunions”

ABBA–“Denture Queen”

Leo Sayer–“You Make Me Feel Like Napping”

Commodores–“Once, Twice, Three Times My Back’s Out”

Procol Harem–“A Whiter Shade of Hair”

The Beatles–“I Get By with a Little Help From Depends”

Steely Dan–“Rikki Don’t Lose That Clapper”

Herman’s Hermits–“Mrs.  Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”

Credence Clearwater Revival–“Bad Prune Rising”

Marvin Gaye–“I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”

The Who–“Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication”

The Troggs–“Bald Thing”

The Stethoscope

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones’ chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts.

Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David’s. She placed the disk over his heart. “Listen,” she said, “what do you suppose that is?”

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up, as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest.

Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. “Is that Jesus knocking?” he asked.

“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.” (Revelation 3:20)

Humor #329

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

– It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

– A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

– If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

– Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

– It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

– When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

– No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

– Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

– When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they’re villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.

– You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

– Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

– An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

– Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Humor #328

Worst Horse Ever

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse’s trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn’t win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse a sharp thwap on the shoulder.

Nothing.

He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.

Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says “Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk.”

Humor #327

You’re Not a Kid Anymore When

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope it’s not for you.

The only reason you’re still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You’re proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn’t breaking any laws.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

Your car has four doors.

You routinely check the oil in your car.

You’ve owned clothes so long that they’ve come back into style TWICE.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

7 AM is your idea of “sleeping in.”

You don’t remember when you got that mole…or the one next to it.

You write thank you notes without being told.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

 

– according to Jeff Foxworthy