A Survival Kit for Everyday Living

Items Needed:

Toothpick
Rubber Band
Band Aid
Pencil
Eraser
Chewing Gum
Mint
Candy Kiss
Tea Bag
Why???

1) TOOTHPICK – to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others.

2) RUBBER BAND – to remind you to be flexible; things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out.

3) BAND AID – to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else’s. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

4) PENCIL – to remind you to list your blessings everyday.

5) ERASER – To remind you that everyone makes mistakes and that’s OK.

6) CHEWING GUM – to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.

7) MINT – to remind you that you are worth a mint.

8) CANDY KISS – to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday.

9) TEA BAG – to remind you to relax daily and reflect on all the positive things in your life.

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, share a word of praise and they always open their hearts to us.

Show your friends how much you care.

(Author Unknown)

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Humor #342

I recently overheard a boss talking to one of his employees at a restaurant recently.

“Was your wife mad when you got home so late last night?” the boss asked.

“Yes, she was plumb historical,” the employee replied.

“Don’t you mean hysterical?”

“No, I mean historical. She brought up things that happened forty years ago.”

—–

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the crossing guard insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the guard when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”

“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”

“How’s that?” the lawyer asked. 

“I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!”

—–

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?

—–

The Massachusetts Department of Transport found over 200 dead crows on Boston area highways recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “bike”

—–

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. “I don’t know about you, lady,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

—–

A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks.

As he’s about to leave, the father asks one last question. “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before – it was fantastic – what are you, a surgeon or something like that?”

“No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business.”

 

 

Humor #341

Chocolate Laughs

Over the years, people have come up with a number of great reasons to eat chocolate. The following 11 reasons are all viable options for yourself or a friend to eat chocolate with a clear conscience. ENJOY!

*Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

*Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

*If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

*The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

*Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less.

*If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?

*Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

*Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

*A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy?

*If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

*If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can’t let that happen, can you?

 

Humor #340

You know you’re in trouble when …

Your accountant’s letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.

The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

 

Humor #339

You might be a teacher if…

You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.

You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work from 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.”

It is difficult to name your own child because there’s no name you can come up with that doesn’t bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.

You can tell it’s a full moon or if it’s going to rain, snow, hail… anything!!! without ever looking outside.

You believe, “shallow gene pool” should have its own box on a report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”

When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

You have no social life between August and June.

You think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.

You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the “lounge”.

You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U- HAUL boxes should they decide to move out of district.

You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

You can’t imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students’ chairs with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.

Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers this question, “Why is this kid like this?”

You would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.

You think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons… and desks and chairs for that matter!

The words “I have a college debt for this?” has ever come out of your mouth.

You know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year!

~ attributed to Jeff Foxworthy

Humor #338

A teenager who had just received her learner’s permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

The mother got out of the car and said, “Thank you!”

“Anytime,” her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.”

—–

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition; their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and also included many Senators and Wall Street wizards.

When they decided to compile a family history as a legacy reminder for their children and grandchildren they hired a fine author. Only one problem arose and that was how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

—–

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That habit really bothers me!” the first one said.

“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented, “but I broke him of that habit real quick.”

“What did you do?”

“I hid his teeth!”

—–

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn’t be needed.

“Fill ‘er up,” he ordered.

The worker did as he’d been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn’t get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted, “Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There’s obviously only one thing to do. You’ll have to dig that hole deeper!”

—–

My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.

“You call THAT a made bed?” I asked.

No Dad,” Maggie replied. “It’s just a rough draft.”

—–

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says,

“Doctor, I’ve eaten something that disagrees with me.”

A voice from the man’s stomach says, “No, you haven’t.”

Humor #337

New Things to Ponder

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does s/he call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose- fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

 

Humor #336

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

For facilities, they had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. The outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it, son?”

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in that cherry tree!!”

 

Humor #335

Signs You’re Getting Too Old To Drive

You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.

It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

It scares you to drive the speed limit.

The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

You use cruise control at 25 mph.

You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.