Humor #350

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone’s laundry on my way home.

“It’s for my cousin,” she apologized, “who’s eight months pregnant and can’t get out much anymore.” I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

“Hi, there,” I said with a big smile. “Is your mommy home?” Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, “I have a delivery for her.”

The child’s mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide.

“Mom!” she shrieked. “Come quick! It’s the stork!”

—–

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I’m constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.

“Does anyone know,” I asked a few guys, “what the speed limit is in our parking lot?”

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. “That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?”

—–

If I had known how successful I was going to be, I wouldn’t have worked so hard when I was young!

—–

Going camping: sounds tentalizing.

—–

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?”

There was silence.

Finally, one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.”

—–

At an annual Bosses’ Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: “First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.

“Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you.

“Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated…”

A voice from the audience cut in: “Well, there go the rest of us!”

—–

“Darling,” said the young man to his new bride. “Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?”

“Of course, dearest, no trouble,” she answered. “But what will you live on?”

—–

A dog retrieves a ball thrown from over a mile away: seems pretty far-fetched.

—–

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. Then he followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later he went to the door and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned this note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

—–

Somewhat skeptical of his son’s newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.

“Please, Dad,” pleaded the boy, “I promise I’ll use ’em every day.”

“I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.

“Please, Dad?” the boy continued.

“They’re not cheap either,” the father came back.

“I’ll use ’em Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?”

—–

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Humor #349

Hello — I have questions!

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoysit?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use – toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Why, why, why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you!

~~
~
REMEMBER, a day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!

And a day without sunshine is, like…night!!!!

Now, stop laughing long enough to forward this onto somebody else who could also use a good chuckle!

Humor #348

Hospital Wing

A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital. This was what they said:

The Allergists voted to scratch it.

The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The Psychiatrists thought it was madness.

The Radiologists could see right through it.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

The Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.”

The Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”

The Plastic Surgeon said, ‘This puts a whole new face on the matter.’

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.

The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

Humor #347

Family Feud Answers

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud:*

Name something a blind person might use: a sword

Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse

Name something that floats in the bath: water

Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair

Name something red: my cardigan

Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal: mail

Name a number you have to memorize: 7

Name something you do before going to bed: sleep

Name something you put on walls: roofs

Name something in the garden that’s green: a scarecrow

Name something that flies that doesn’t have an engine: dishes

Name something you might be allergic to: skiing

Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters

Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet

Name a continent: Italy

Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog

Name something slippery: a con man

Name a kind of ache: a pancake

Name a food that can be brown or white: potato

Name a potato topping: jam

Name a famous Scotsman: Jock

Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones

Name something with a hole in it: window

Name a non-living object with legs: plant

Name a domestic animal: leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with ‘N’: knee

Name a way of cooking fish: cod

Name something you clean: your sister

Humor #346

I’m Aging Gracefully

I’m the life of the party … even when it lasts until 8 p.m

I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid …

I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

I’m very good at telling stories … over and over and over and over.

I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I’m so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care …

I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians …

I’m positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.

I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy … and that’s just my left leg.

I’m having trouble remembering simple words like …

I’m now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.

I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies!

I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory …

I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors: absolutely nothing!

I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’S, AARP.

I’m supporting all movements now … by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

I’m a walking storeroom of facts … I’ve just lost the storeroom.

I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to many more! You didn’t, did you???????

Gifts that Don’t Cost a Cent

1. THE GIFT OF LISTENING – But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.

2. THE GIFT OF AFFECTION – Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.

3. THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER – Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, “I love to laugh with you.”

4. THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE – It can be a simple “Thanks for the help” note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.

5. THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT – A simple and sincere, “You look great in red,” “You did a super job” or “That was a wonderful meal” can make someone’s day.

6. THE GIFT OF A FAVOR – Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.

7. THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE – There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

8. THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION – The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone; really it’s not that hard to say, “Hello” or “Thank You.”

Humor #345

Senior Ramblings

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one so I’m wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it “Pumping Rust.”

I have gotten that dreaded “furniture disease.” My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I wanted to say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!”

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me… they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

Humor #344

There’s Nothing the Matter with Me!

There’s nothing the matter with me,
I’m just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I’m overweight and I can’t get thin,
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

And arch supports I need for my feet,
Or I wouldn’t be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I’m all right.
My memory’s failing, my head’s in a spin.
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

Old age is golden I’ve heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don’t mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I’m therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say, “I’m fine” with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

I AM FINE; HOW ARE YOU?

 

Humor #343

NOAH TODAY

 In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said: “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no ark. “Noah!”  He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”

 “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.”

“I needed a building permit.”

 “I’ve been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”

 “My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”

 “Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

 “Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!”

 “When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

 “Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

 “I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

 “The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.”

 “The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.”

 “To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.”

 “Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.”

 Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The Government beat me to it.”