Humor #350

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone’s laundry on my way home.

“It’s for my cousin,” she apologized, “who’s eight months pregnant and can’t get out much anymore.” I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

“Hi, there,” I said with a big smile. “Is your mommy home?” Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, “I have a delivery for her.”

The child’s mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide.

“Mom!” she shrieked. “Come quick! It’s the stork!”

—–

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I’m constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.

“Does anyone know,” I asked a few guys, “what the speed limit is in our parking lot?”

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. “That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?”

—–

If I had known how successful I was going to be, I wouldn’t have worked so hard when I was young!

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Going camping: sounds tentalizing.

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We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?”

There was silence.

Finally, one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.”

—–

At an annual Bosses’ Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: “First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.

“Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you.

“Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated…”

A voice from the audience cut in: “Well, there go the rest of us!”

—–

“Darling,” said the young man to his new bride. “Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?”

“Of course, dearest, no trouble,” she answered. “But what will you live on?”

—–

A dog retrieves a ball thrown from over a mile away: seems pretty far-fetched.

—–

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. Then he followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later he went to the door and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned this note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

—–

Somewhat skeptical of his son’s newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.

“Please, Dad,” pleaded the boy, “I promise I’ll use ’em every day.”

“I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.

“Please, Dad?” the boy continued.

“They’re not cheap either,” the father came back.

“I’ll use ’em Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?”

—–

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