Humor #358

When we take our dog on a car journey, we carry his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion we stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, I noticed a man watching with fascination.

He came over to me and whispered, “I hope that you’re not going to let him drive!”

—–

Little Hope was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Hope’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, “Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?!”

—–

A dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary: Athesaurus

—–

The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.

Bitterly he asked, “What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?”

The foreman answered, “Insanity.”

The D.A. said, “All twelve of you?”

—–

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother.

“We hadn’t started eating yet.”

I didn’t mean to gain weight; it happened by snaccident.

—–

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, “I don’t think that is going to help much, hon.”

“Sure it does,” he said.

“How else can I see the numbers?”

—–

My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.

—–

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice.

She called to remind the people at the clerk’s office that she was exempt because of her age.

“You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” they said.

“I’ve already done that,” she replied. “I did it last year.”

“You have to do it every year,” she was told.

“Why?” came the response. “Do you think I’m going to get younger?”

—–

I’m gonna stop making arbitrary deadlines: starting today.

—–

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Humor #357

*Top Ten Signs You are At a Bad Baptismal Service*

10. The Coast Guard is involved.
9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
8. Pastor wears scuba gear.
7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from “Jaws.”
6. The preacher uses a “Billy the Bass” singing “Take Me to the River” instead of the traditional “Shall We Gather at the River?”
5. You keep hearing the pastor saying, “Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn’t know about that drop-off!”
4. The pastor can’t get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help.
3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.
AND THE NO. 1 SIGN YOU’RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE:
1. Two Words: Alka-Seltzer

Humor #356

I would give my dad what he really wants for his birthday or Father’s Day, but I can’t afford to move out yet.

—–

New Diet: Yeah I still eat ribs… sparingly.

—–

A bus driver accidentally left a passenger behind after they had stopped for lunch. Wanting to apologize, the driver called the passenger on the phone.

“I don’t blame you,” the woman told him, “but I’m mad at my husband for not informing you that I wasn’t on the bus.”—–

—–

Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you’re a Navy SEAL.

Case in point: My grandson’s Kindergarten class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.

One little girl asked, “Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?”

—–

When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought special non-leaded or regular gas, but she couldn’t remember.

“You probably got the cheaper gas,” he said. “That could account for the roughness of the engine.”

“No, the gas wasn’t cheaper!” she replied indignantly.

“Well, how much did it cost?” asked the husband probingly.

“It cost the same as always.” said the wife.

“I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth.”

—–

Camping is nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

—–

So what if I can’t spell Armiggedon? It’s not the end of the world.

—–

My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise. The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, my sister blurted out, “Isn’t it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?”

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, “Yes.”

—–

Three nurses went to heaven and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looked at her file and admitted her to heaven.

The second nurse said, “I worked in an operating room. It was a very high-stress environment, and we did our best. Sometimes the patients were too sick and we would lose them, but overall we tried very hard.” St. Peter looked at her file and admitted her to heaven.

The third nurse said, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”

St. Peter looked at her file. He pulled out a calculator and started punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes, St. Peter looked up, smiled, and said, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

—–

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”

The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”

The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”

—–

Humor #355

Why do they call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”?

—–

A friend of mine, and her husband, were on vacation.

They visited a church on Sunday.

My friend likes to sit close to the front.

So they entered a pew in the second row.

Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on bench, and said, “This pew is saved.”

Her husband replied, “So are WE!”

—–

Our friend was babysitting her three-year-old grandson, Sean, for the weekend. The first night at dinner my friend said, “Let’s thank God for our food.”

Not used to this practice at home, Sean said, “No! I don’t want to!”

My friend remained calm. “Well, at Grandma’s house, we do say thank you before we eat.”

“You can’t make me,” protested Sean.

Determined to win this battle, his grandmother said more emphatically, “If we don’t pray, we don’t eat.”

“Well,” the youngster replied, “I would say it if you had made mashed potatoes.”

—–

The preschool Sunday school teacher was explaining to her class that Jesus would always be with them even though they could not see him.

“I already know that,” piped up one 4-year-old. “He’s the one who opens the door when we go into a store.”

—–

At an art gallery, a woman and her 10 year old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one.

“I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one,” said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction.

“No,” said the boy. “This painting is wider, so it’ll cover the three holes I put in the wall.”—–

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, “I’ve never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?”

Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, “Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead!!”

—–

An interim school superintendent, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems. He told them, “You can call me day or night, at this number . . .”

Suddenly there was a cry from the assistant superintendent. “Hey,” he exclaimed,”that’s MY number!”—–

—–

An elderly couple are attending a church service.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”

He scribbles back, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

—–

A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor’s wife stayed home. When he returned, the Pastor asked his wife what she thought of the young man’s sermon.

“The poorest I’ve ever heard,” she said. “There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn’t even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed.”

Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, “How’d the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?”

“All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful,” he said. “I didn’t have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermons from last year.”

—–

A father worked as an accountant for the Air National Guard.

Despite a regular adequate income he had a “poor” mindset, always unhappy about money matters and very vocal about it.

One year at an air show, in a crowd of many close-by people, his daughter looked up at him and said, “Dad, what do you do out here?”

He answered with a smile, “I pay the bills.”

She looked at him in obvious dismay, looked around, looked back at him, and announced (to the delight of all around), “No wonder we’re so poor!”

Humor #354

Famous Last Words

*Ha! They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist…

*Don’t unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.

*What happens if you touch these two wires tog-

*We won’t need reservations.

*It’s always sunny there this time of the year.

*Gimmee a match. I think my gas tank is empty.

*Step on her, boy, we’re only going 75.

*If you knew anything, you wouldn’t be a traffic cop.

*What? Your mother is going to stay another month?

*Say, who’s boss of this joint, anyhow?

“Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father.” – Darth Vader

“Don’t worry about the Rover. That’s no cliff.” – NASA techie

*They’d never make him a manager.

—–

Humor #353

God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny. –Garrison Keiller

—–

“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.” –Sam Levenson

—–

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two guys are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two guys just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first guy turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other.

“That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

—–

Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

—–

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

—–

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church.

It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on “dedicating yourselves to service” and the Choir Director chose to sing: “I Shall Not Be Moved.”

Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him.

The next Sunday he preached on “giving.” Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the Director led them in the hymn: “Jesus Paid It All.”

By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on “the sin of gossiping.”

Would you believe the Choir Director selected: “I Love To Tell The Story.”

There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: “Why Not Tonight.”

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.

The Choir Director could not resist: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.”

—–

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

—–

My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.

—–

A 5-year-old boy was sitting with his parents at a prayer meeting. His mother gave him paper and pencil, and he was busily printing words.

Then he poked his mother and whispered, “How do you spell ‘sex’?”

Shocked, she replied, “What did you say?”

The boy said, “How do you spell ‘sex,’ Mom? You know, ‘in-sects.'”

She looked over, and sure enough, on the bottom of his paper he had drawn a bug.

—–

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty new bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers.

“I don’t know,” he said dubiously, “but it seems to me that I’ve blessed all this stuff before.”

—–

Humor #352

Biblical Spokespersons

What if Biblical characters could be recruited as high-tech promoters?
Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans:

Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?

Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com):
Take two tablets and call me in the morning.

The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights.

Adam and Eve for Dell: No Apples for us. We’ve learned the hard way.

Solomon for Microsoft: Don’t cut the baby in half.

Joseph for Nikon Coolpix: Only Nikon can capture the 36-bit color of my megapixel dream coat.

[gbwl]Methuselah for AARP.org: Life begins at 960.

Pharaoh for Symantec: If only we’d had Norton AntiPlague 2002 in 2002 … B.C.E.

Job for NASDAQ: ‘Nuff said.