Humor #351

“Doctor!” whined the patient. “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.”

The physician scratched his head, “Why have you come to me? Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”

“No,” replied the patient, “just spots.”

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If you answer the phone and say, “Hello, you’re on the air” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

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I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know y.

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Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

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What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-CALF-inated.

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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with “Quit while you’re ahead”?

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A round-trip plane ticket: Boy, that really takes me back.

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What’s the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?

The taxidermist takes just the skin.

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Just bought a universal remote control.

This changes everything.

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A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the Lion’s Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little girl started to cry.

The teacher said, “Don’t cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel.”

Holding back sobs and tears the girl said, “That’s not what I’m crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn’t going to get anything to eat.”

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Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand.

The teacher called on Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, “A lawyer!”

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What WAS the best thing ‘before‘ sliced bread?

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Glue stick: is that redundant or an epoxymoron?

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