God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny. –Garrison Keiller
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.” –Sam Levenson
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two guys are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.
The two guys just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?” No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first guy turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says the other.
“That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church.
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on “dedicating yourselves to service” and the Choir Director chose to sing: “I Shall Not Be Moved.”
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him.
The next Sunday he preached on “giving.” Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the Director led them in the hymn: “Jesus Paid It All.”
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on “the sin of gossiping.”
Would you believe the Choir Director selected: “I Love To Tell The Story.”
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: “Why Not Tonight.”
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.
The Choir Director could not resist: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.”
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.
A 5-year-old boy was sitting with his parents at a prayer meeting. His mother gave him paper and pencil, and he was busily printing words.
Then he poked his mother and whispered, “How do you spell ‘sex’?”
Shocked, she replied, “What did you say?”
The boy said, “How do you spell ‘sex,’ Mom? You know, ‘in-sects.'”
She looked over, and sure enough, on the bottom of his paper he had drawn a bug.
A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty new bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers.
“I don’t know,” he said dubiously, “but it seems to me that I’ve blessed all this stuff before.”